Santa Claus - An Open Letter

Dear Santa,

We have been very good this year. Our booze intake is back in line with the national average and we have finished decorating the hall, stairs and landing. We have also been nice to the Official Nippers and their spotty mates. We have stopped breaking wind at the table during meals and asking people to pull our finger. Showers are currently running at an average of two per week and we have been using our mouth wash. Toe nail clippings are a thing of the past as is the fungal infection. We would be delighted if you could see your way to delivering the following to DPPF headquarters this Christmas.

1. A flame thrower.
2. A bag truck and Hanibal Lecter mask.
3. A new razor with 6 blades.
4. Keira Knightley.
5. A foot spa.
6. A Jamie Oliver's toungue draft excluder.
7. The Warriors on DVD.
8. Some live chickens and a hutch.
9. A multi function combined remote control for the telly/DVD/digibox etc. With a built in cattle prod.
10. Some white ear phones so we can pretend we have an i Pod.

Also, if you could deliver a case of 12 mixed white and red this week, before the Official Mrs does a stock take. We would be very happy to leave the usual large sherry and a copy of Razzle for your trouble.

Foxy

Commander In Chief DPPF

Garden Tools That Can Be Used As Weapons # 1

The Leaf Blower

'Leaves come from trees. Some trees like their leaves and others get fed up with theirs every autum. There are a number of ways to deal with trees that don't like leaves. Simplest is to chop the tree down, if you can't do that because someone has tied themself to it, you will need to remove ALL the branches and replace them with evergreen ones. These can be obtained from garden shops in the tree section. If the problem tree is beyond your borders and can't be treated for leaf droppage, you will need to do something else.' - Alan Tichmarsh

Cheers Al. We have been informed by the Official Mrs that, unlike in America, we can't have a gun for Christmas. This gives us a problem in tooling up for the planned spring offensive. So, we have been thinking about teching up our tool kit with offensive options. First on our shopping list is a leaf blower like this one -

This little beauty is the Shindaiwa EB8510. It has an 80cc engine producing a nozzle velocity of 224 mph. This is more powerful than a huricane. We reckon that it can be adapted to deliver a range of projectiles. We have calculated that an object with a mass of 1kg traveling at 224mph would knock down 4 chavs standing in a line. Big, Bad, and Blue. The Shindaiwa EB8510 is one of the most powerful 4-stroke backpack blowers on the market today. Features include -

• Comfortable padded straps and back pad made of tough, breathable nylon. Round, compact design reduces snagging.
• Convenient rapid-fire pistol grip throttle control mechanism with cruise control (RT model only).
• Throttle cruise control for sustained “hands-off” operation (RT model only).
• Chrome plated cylinder with 2-ring piston design.
• Tool-free easy access, 2-staged air filter system with extra large surface area.
• Excellent fuel economy – about 20% better vs equivalent 2-stroke model.
• Business as usual with 50:1 mix – No dipstick!
• Can be fitted with a special lazer sight.
• Can be used to deliver ordinance over a long range.

The Shindaiwa EB8510RT features a pistol-grip throttle control handle with cruise control, adjustable angle, and a special “Hush Mode” feature that allows quiet operation in noise sensitive areas.

Sounds ideal and a snip at £368. That's 216 pairs of socks from Next, or 368 initialed snot rags from Matalan. We will be having a word with the Official Mrs in the morning.

Rebel Without A Clue

We have been receiving threats from a faction claiming to be affiliated to the DPC. Things have become so scary that Foxy is having to taste all the food and drink in the house before it can be considered safe for the Official Nippers and Mrs. This is particularly bad as we enter the festive season and the place is swollen with contraband.


In these threats, the perpetrator claims that he has been paid to 'take us out', we have suggested that a trip to a local panto would be most welcome. We have also received a video detailing our crimes. On closer inspection, we reckon that this person lives on Kingsmead and is actually a member of the KRA. We have taken the liberty of producing a still from the video.

Anyone seeing this man in Davenham should not approach him, he is armed and clearly dangerous. We just hope that he washed his mums tights before filming.

We will be sending our evidence to the internet ombudsman in the morning.

If It's Not Love, Then It's The Bomb That Will Bring Us Together

We have been listening to The Smiths and have to take exception with Morrissey over the lyrics to his song 'Ask'. The Americans ran some experiments with bombs recently, and instead of bringing people together, they were actually blown apart - FACT!

Those pesky Russians are also messing about with bombs and some old planes. They are apparently flexing their military muscles and regularly probing Britain's air defences. This almost certainly means that they are going to blow us all up. As Morrissey also once said about his comatose Mrs - 'it's serious'.

In order to counter this growing threat we will be declaring the village a Nuclear Free Zone. Manchester City Council declared the city such in 1980 and our research has shown that no atom bombs have gone off there since. Ipso Facto.

Mr T is backing the campaign.

Mr T Yesterday

Franks For The Memories

In our quest for knowledge, we have been researching war and collecting memorabilia. We recently acquired this little gem from a German on e-bay. Its a bona fide certified genuine copy of Anne Frank's diary. We only paid £40 for it, we are going to put it in a glass case and give it to the official Mrs for Christmas, she'll be that chuffed we will probably get a 'result'. (click pic for embiggerment)

Our pride and joy yesterday.

Video Killed The Radio Star

While their is a lull in cross border infiltrations, we have decided to entertain ourselves by making a set of Top Trump cards of local civic dignitaries. First in the series is that artful dodger Ronald McDonald of the VRBC.

Name - Ronald McDonald
Occupation - Burger Flipper

Toryness................................4/5
Labouryness..........................1/5
Greenyness......................-742/5
Intellect...................................0/5
Popularity..............................-8/5
Political Ability......................-2/5
No of Mates...............................0

We were worried that he may be nasty in our comments, but we reckon he probably can't type.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered

Being as those ungrateful wretches on the Kingsmill estate didn't take us up on the offer of a new sign for the spine road, we have decided to offer our services to those lovable geriatric rogues at the DPC. Though quite why we should after they sprayed a knob on our wall is beyond us. We have consulted with Itchy and Satchi and we have managed to come up with a design. The brief that we gave them was to imagineer a new logo for the DPC that captured their essence, penetrated through to their core values and made a bold statement about the service that they provide.

This is their initial stab - we like it.

We reckon this should get us say £20 knocked of our poll tax. We will be writing to them in the morning.

DPPF - War Cabinet - Meeting Minutes #3

Those Present

Foxy, The Official Nipper, The Official DPPF Mrs, some interfering woman from down the road.

Apologies

The Official DPPF Teenager (out with spotty mate teenager), The Official DPPF Middle Nipper (finals of the world Top Trump championship).

Item 1 - Refreshments

Due to a severe balance of payments deficit, resulting from a misinterpretation of the words 'Oh do what the hell you like', rations for the meeting are restricted to 'something from the cupboard', and any wines or spirits that may or may not be hidden in the wardrobe are for Christmas and not general consumption.

It was noted that being a friend of the Official Mrs does not entitle anyone to comment on the size of anyone else's beer belly. Nor does it entitle anyone to help themselves to the Official Remote Control.

Item 2 - Defence Budget

It was agreed that the new Tom Tom Sat Nav procured for the Official Motor, was acquired under false pretences, following a misinterpretation of a mandate from the Official Mrs. Whilst being a useful aid when calling in an air strike, it was noted that it was of limited use on the school run, or when nipping to Tesco Express. The item will be placed on Ebay in the morning, the proceeds from the sale will be used to buy essential rations and a new AA road atlas.

It was agreed that if it sounded more Barry White and less like an all American cheer leader, we may have been allowed to keep it.

ACTION - Foxy

Item 3 - War Progress

A review of recent military activity was undertaken. It was noted that cross border infiltration by the KRA, DPC and the 1st Battalion The Moulton and Kingsmead Pikeys were being managed and disruption to village life was being effectively minimised.

Whilst there appears to be a lull in activity, it was noted that we need to remain vigilant and will be regularly checking for intelligence at the secret pub location.

The TITS, MUFF and CRAP will continue to train at the TWAT centre and maintain a high state of readiness.

It was again noted that being a mate of the Official Mrs does not entitle anyone to comment on the frequency of intelligence gathering exercises.

It was also noted that being married to the Official Mrs does not entitle anyone to be rude to anyone else that may be a guest of the Official Mrs.

ACTION - Foxy

Item 4 - Training

We are considering asking if the British Army officer training establishment at Sandhurst can provide a distance learning course for the Official Nipper. We would like to balance ballet classes with weapon appreciation, camouflage techniques and advanced field craft. We are also considering writing to the Early Learning Centre to voice our disgust at the lack of defence related learning aids.

The DPPF leadership have also sanctioned £40 (subject to recouping misappropriated funds), for a trip with the Official Middle nipper to 'Lazer Quest' for some urban combat training.

It was noted that any recurrence of the incident in 2005 where 14 children were mysteriously found bound and gagged at end of the training would not be tolerated, even if it was nothing to do with Foxy and the Official Middle Nipper.

ACTION - Foxy

AOB

We have received a letter from our bank regarding a loan application for a Challenger tank. The bank manager has suggested that it would not be a sound business proposition to lend us the £4 million we requested. However, they suggested that if we were to raise say £3,999,600 they would be happy to help with the £400 shortfall.

We shall be checking our credit rating in the morning.

Spray It Again Sam

We were woken from official slumber in the early hours of this morning by the sound of a high speed zimmer frame clunking its way down our garden path. Initial investigations revealed nothing except for an empty bag of Murray Mints, a bus pass, some Trill (Budgie food) and a full colostomy bag. Having returned to our pit and the comfort of our freshly laundered full combat PJ's, we were able to get a good nights kip. Imagine our surprise when we were woken at 05:30hrs by a scream from the Official Teenager, who instead of being in a trance holding her straighteners (as is the norm for 2 hours every morning), was paralysed with fear behind a poster of Kurt Cobain.

It would appear that we have been 'Tagged'.

Our garden wall yesterday

All the evidence points to a strike by the DPC. We will be sending the contents of the colostomy bag to Dr Gillian McKeith for stool analysis and a possible DNA match. Needless to say we will be convening an emergency cabinet in the morning to formulate a response.

Disco Inferno

They're at it again!

We have just returned from infiltrating a meeting of the DPC (a full transcript of the meeting will follow once we have consulted the DPPF Official Legal Advisor).

The DPC Yesterday

We managed to gain access posing as geriatric nurses, the meeting has been secretly filmed and we will be posting it on the Benny Hill fan club's forum later this evening.

The DPC are planning to build an incinerator in the heart of the village. No doubt inspired by events elsewhere in Northwich, they have proposed a motion to construct a facility on that bit of waste ground next to the hair dressers.

Preliminary plans are to burn the 6.4 tons of dog turds deposited on Butchers Stile and Laburnum Field every day. The capacity will be expanded at a later date to include the 13.4 million tons of waste generated daily by Bargain Booze.

Needless to say, we will be defending the interests of the village by forming a new division of the DPPF. The Trainee Incinerator Thwarter Squadron (T.I.T.S) will begin training in the morning. We will also be issuing a gas mask to each of the Official Nippers and a couple of cans of pine scented Nicky Clarke volumising hair spray to the unfortunate hairdressers.

The Proposed £260 million Incinerator Yesterday

Know Your Enemy #4 - Moulton

Following recent revelations about our neighbours to the south, we have been doing some research and have uncovered some astonishing facts about the bogey eaters. Here is a quick and dirty top ten things that you probably didn't know (or care enough to find out).

1. 872 people live in Moulton, the rest are dead and only come out after midnight.
   
   
2. Moulton has a higher chav density than Kingsmead. Like Kingsmead, it is a net exporter of chavs into Davenham.
   
   
3. There are more pre 1985 BMW's in Moulton than anywhere else in the world.
   
   
4. The village dates back to the iron age. Many people that live there come from a long line of cousins.
   
   
5. Villagers were recently delighted when they found out that Bin what's his name was moving to the village. This would have been the first time that the depth of the gene pool had doubled since a German pilot crashed there in 1942.
   
   
6. People often think that the village is a haven for Scottish refugees, the Jocks in question are in fact descendants of the German pilot, who is still alive and drinks in the British Legion. After several pints, och aye turns to achtung.
   
   
7. ITV's Coronation Street is filmed on Regent Street every Wednesday and Friday.
   
   
8. The beer prices at the Travellers Rest have been frozen since 1976 when they last restocked the cellar.
   
   
9. The main industry in Moulton is welding bits of cars together.
   
   
10. Moulton has only one famous son. Tim Burgess was the lead singer with 70's beat combo Allied Carpets.
    
    

Some people from Moulton yesterday

Stone The Crows

The DPPF undercover unit have uncovered sinister going's on with one of our neighbours. While we have been conducting operations against our stated enemies, we have neglected the fact the Moulton has become a training ground for paramilitaries. We have always been wary of declaring all out war on the village because -

• One of our favourite Aunts lives there.
• There are a couple of people that we know that could probably 'have us' in a proper fight.
• Bin what's his name might take the hump.
• They have a real tank.
• The Official Nipper goes to play group there.

However, following tonight's meeting of the war council, we have decided we cannot tolerate a training ground for inter-village terrorists on our door step. Our undercover agent in Moulton has sent us this picture of one of their summer training camps. They call themselves 'The Crowmen'.

Moulton Militia Yesterday

They dress in black and cover their faces with a mask sporting a razor sharp Tungsten 'beak', which they are trained to kill and butter scones.

To counter the growing threat, we will be sanctioning a change of role for the DPPF Mountain and Urban Fighting Force (MUFF). They will now be known as the Crow Reconnaissance Advanced Party (CRAP). Standing orders and rules of engagement will be will be scribbled onto the back of a fag packet in the morning, after we have checked to see if Wurzel Gummidge is still alive.

Friggin in the Rigging!

While examining our flanks during an early morning strategic defence review with the Official DPPF Mrs at the weekend, we decided that this years Brucie Bonus from the Official Employer should be spent on the following.

1. A new Epilady for the Official DPPF Mrs's flanks.

2. A massive boat with loads of guns and some depth charges.

We have sanctioned £19.99 to be spent procuring item one from E-Bay. We have also managed to strike a deal with the Royal Navy for a Type 4 Frigate. The Frigate is to patrol our water front on the River Weaver and protect our eastern flank.

We will be buying a bottle of Lambrusco from Bargain Booze this week and will be holding a naming ceremony by the Blue Bridge at the weekend. We are currently debating a name for our new flagship. After a heated debate we have chosen either HMS Carnage or HMS Fairy Princess .

We be contacting the Waterways to see if they can extend Vale Royal Locks and lend us a Dredger.

Our new ship yesterday

We shall be contacting the nice people at the rowing club to discuss the sole use of the river and the consequences of a torpedo strike on a coxed eight.

We shall also be contacting local anglers to discuss the effects of fouling our propellers with mono filament and the effects of a depth charge on a freshly ground baited swim.

Earwiging - DPPF Listening Post Report

We have insiders that work somewhere really sneaky. They have been earwigging on coded conversations between the KRA and the DPC. Here is a transcript of a recent conversation. Looks like the DPC have fallen out with the KRA.

As we don't want to fall foul of the data protection Nazi's, we will switch real names. Any correspondent of the DPC will be known as 'DPC', and any Correspondent of the KRA will be known as the 'KRA',

KRA - You lot at the DPC are rubbish. Our ponds smell, we have dead trees dropping leaves on our decking and our borders are looking like Anne Widdecombe's chin.

DPC - Sorry, we are having trouble justifying our existence, can we get back to you?

KRA - No, we will bin you and invade Davenham village on our own.

DPC - Don't do that. The DPPF are a bit scary and we are digging bunkers as we speak.

KRA - OK, we agree. What about the precept? It's a lot of money you know?

DPC - We don't know anything about that. Florida is nice though, isn't it?

KRA - Why are you all for Davenham village and not Kingsmead?

DPC - We're not, we are about to shaft them as well. Ask the residents of Laburnum Road.

KRA - Can we have our allotments then?

DPC - No.

KRA - Why not?

DPC - Because we have Alzheimers and can't remember. Give us a minute, we need a pee.

KRA - Whilst you are peeing our trees are dying.

DPC - What?

KRA - Trees!

DPC - Sort your own trees, We are thinking about how we can get on to the front page of the Daily Mail.

KRA - Were you elected to represent?

DPC - Cock off!

KRA - This is pointless!

DPC - Fancy at chat about the war?

KRA - No. We're taking this into our own hands. Leave us alone and go and shaft those poor people that live in Davenham.

DPC - OK, sod off you lot. Ding Ding, round one. Davenham is having it.

KRA - You are a bunch of idiots!

DPC - We don't care, we've got your money. You lot can cock off! We think, therefore we are!

Scary or what? - we are turning off our scanner now!

Oh, and never voting ever again!

Sign of The Times

The DPPF are a benevolent organisation and like to help out when we can. We found some tin sheet and some spare paint in the Official DPPF Shed this evening. We were going to use it to build a feature bar at the DPPF Headquarters. We were planning beer pumps, optics, a dart board, a card of KP dry roasted nuts, six different flavours of crisps (Walkers), a space invader machine, a one armed bandit, a framed picture of Foxy posing as a Matador that we brought back from Torremolinos last year and stools. However, we have decided that we need to expend these valuable resources on a new armoured wardrobe to house the Official DPPF Mrs's new undercover frocks that she blew this months defence budget on at TK Max. The good news is, we have some surplus so we made this for the KRA to replace the bent sign near the roundabout.



Sorry about the holes, the Official DPPF Teenager found the keys to the scooter. If someone has a wheelbarrow, we could drop it off in the morning.

CONTACT! - DPPF Press Department Statement

A joint foot patrol of forces from the DPPF and the LRDG tonight clashed with the combined forces of the KRA and the DPC. Whilst undertaking a sweep of village boundary along the A556, several members of the opposition forces opened fire on the DPPF/LRDG forces from behind a hedge on the Kingsmead side. Coalition forces were pinned down in an area to the east of Green Avenue and endured a sustained barrage of verbal abuse. Coalition forces retaliated by rallying and performing a robust counter attacking manoeuvre, involving pincers and running whilst shouting. Despite being out of breath and having muddy shoes, the coalition forces managed to force the KRA/DPC forces to retreat and would have captured a significant piece of KRA territory had the Official DPPF Mrs not called for a coalition retreat because dinner was on the table.

The Battlefield Today

Following the skirmish, coalition forces regrouped at a secret pub in the village. A head count revealed that there were no casualties.

Commander Foxy Freedom, who was likened to Colonel H Jones following the contact said from the secret pub location "We would like to pay tribute to the brave foot soldiers of the DPPF and the LRDG, some of whom will have to microwave their dinner when they get in. Needless to say, the Official DPPF Mrs will be maintaining radio silence until we apologise for missing dinner and bath time for the Official DPPF nipper. In times of conflict, sometime we need to make sacrifices".

Emergenct Meeting - DPPF Transport Committee

The Official DPPF Mrs called an emergency meeting this evening. Concerned about the environment, we have decided that a Humber Pig may adversely affect our carbon footprint and a tank of any sort may be difficult to reverse park. Parking is of particular concern given that the DPC are now dishing out death sentences for illegal parking. We have therefore decided that we will probably be buying one of these -

Some Scooters Yesterday

It's called a Scooter. It will do 300 miles to the gallon, is cheap to tax and insure, is air cooled (handy in times of drought) and has a 75mm recoilless cannon (ideal for clearing a parking space at Tesco Express). It has the power to catch and destroy even the most souped up Saxo and can be fitted with a side car for the DPPF nippers. We will be looking for a part exchange for the Official DPPF Austin Allegro, there may even be change for some nice gloves and a pair of comedy stick on furry ears for our helmet.

We will be writing to Phil Daniels and that nice Sting chap for tips on good scootering. We will not be contacting Leslie Ash, because she looks like a cod.

DPPF Transport Committee.

The Official DPPF Austin Allegro needs a new clutch, the cost of which is proving difficult to justify. This has prompted the DPPF to plan ahead. With the war reaching a crucial stage, it is essential that we 'tool up' for the forthcoming campaign. We have searched the web and having looked on
http://whatthemodernrevolutionarydrives.com we have short listed the following motors-

Aircon/full service history/one careful owner/floats/cup holder

Dealer serviced/flame-proof interior/6 speakers/first aid kit

Leather seats/walnut dash/air con/multi fuel engine/massive gun/smoke cannon

The Official DPPF Mrs has chipped in at the eleventh hour with a few pre requisites -

1. Does it have a vanity mirror
2. Does it have a system for alerting the DPPF when someone else is required to reverse park.
3. Does the interior match chocolate stains.
4. Has it got somewhere to hang smelly cardboard trees.
5. Is it happy doing 20mph in a 30mph zone.
6. Is it pink.

As an alternative, The Official DPPF Mrs has proposed the following may be more suitable.


We shall be seeking a section under the Mental Health Act in the morning.

Alert Level - RED AND FLASHING - Invasion immanent

The KRA are planning to invade Davenham and occupy one of our secret training facilities. Find out what they are up to and the DPPF official response by clicking here.

The DPPF have mounted hourly patrols in order to protect vital village facilities. We will also be popping into the pub regularly to gather intelligence. We are planning a robust counter invasion possibly on Wednesday when we will need to stock up on semi skimmed and jaffa cakes. We urge the people of Davenham to remain calm until we have contained the threat and reduced the state of alert to amber (non flashing) or green (flashing). Anyone going to Kingsmead for a kebab are advised to telephone an order through to the Caspian on Castle, free deliveries on orders over a tenner and enough donner meat to keep Vanessa Feltz on the bog for a month.

Fatty Feltz at the Caspian yesterday

Caspain Kebab House 01606 783303 - Official Kebab House to the DPPF

Training - Aircraft Recocnition

Having been buzzed twice by American drones since we had a few beers on Saturday, we have decided to train the nippers in aircraft recognition. It looks like some people have forgotten the first rule of the DPPF and have been blabbing to the yanks. USA special forces have been in our bin again and have planted extra booze bottles and specialist magazines. We are convinced that they are trying to divide and conquer the DPPF.

The people of Davenham have agreed to help in defending our sovereign territory and have agreed to keep an eye out. We are looking to appoint an official DPPF spotter. First prize to whoever recognises the following overhead hazards, is an official appointment and a medal.









Answers one to five in the comments please.

Nobby, you'd be best doing this on you own.

Strategic Defence Review #3

We have been forced to review our proposed defence network of drawbridges and the moat. Interest rates have been spiralling out of control and the DPPF's efforts to obtain a mortgage on them have proved 'frustrating'.

The official DPPF think tank have been up all night with a pencil, some paper and the Star Trek back catalogue. Captain Kirk's and even Chief Science Officer Spock's efforts were often thwarted by the appearance of alien 'force fields'. The Official DPPF's own Science Officer (The Official DPPF Middle Nipper), was a sceptic until this was discovered. The Israeli's have developed something of interest -



We intend to procure enough of these gadgets to form a defensive shroud around the village. If they can stop a missile at twice the speed of sound, they shouldn't have a problem stopping a Kingsmedian chav walking up London Road at 3mph, or a Nova/Saxo doing 80mph. We just need to check if the speed bumps interfere.

Our trade embargo with the Israeli's prevents us from buying directly, so we will be checking stock at Argos online in the morning.

DPPF - War Cabinet - Meeting Minutes #2

Those Present

Foxy, The Official DPPF cat.

Apologies

The Official DPPF Mrs (Bingo), The Offical DPPF Nipper (in bed), The Official DPPF Teenager (sulking in bedroom), The Official DPPF Middle Nipper (somewhere in outer space, courtesy of XBox 360).

Item 1 - Refreshments

The official DPPF Mrs has recognised the need for quality refreshments during times of war and has sanctioned 4x500ml of Stella Artois for the meeting. We have requisitioned a bag of Walkers cheese and onion from strategic reserves, along with a strawberry chuppachup.

Item 2 - The Official DPPF Poll

Number of votes - 10, Number in favour of continuing the war - 10. We have employed a top London based firm of statisticians to analyse the poll and they concluded that-

• 100% of people that expressed a preference wanted the war to continue.
• Extrapolating the result and comparing to the population of the village,they concluded that between 96.2% and 105.3% of people in the village also support the war.
• Having analysed voter profiles, they were able to conclude that everyone in Davenham thinks that the DPC, Kingsmeadians, Chavs and this years cast of Big Brother are a bunch of tossers.
  

Item 3 - UN Resolution 633694

Following our overwhelming mandate. We will be writing to the UN and suggesting that they come over here and say it to our faces, they can bring their mates as well. We are not scared of anyone in blue berets (Hmmm Betty), from Switzerland. However, we are preparing hiding places in case they send some Ghurka's.

Item 4 - Financial Report

Monies snatched from kids outside Bargain Booze has bolstered reserves to a respectable £254.98p. We are currently looking at ways of investing this in military hardware. On our shopping list are -

• A second hand B52, Vulcan bomber or a jump jet.
  
• Doppler radar.
• Hats.
• A tank (like that bloke from Moulton).
• A nuclear deterrent.
  
• Invisibility suits.
• Laser beams.
  

Item 5 - Training

Urine levels on Laburnum field have reduced significantly and construction of the DPPF assault course and Training With Advanced Techniques (T.W.A.T.) centre have recently reached their first milestone. We have constructed a scale model of Monte Casino from beer cans, bottles, used condoms and syringes. The DPPF Moutain and Urban Fighting Force (M.U.F.F.) will begin training at the weekend (weather permitting).

Item 6 - War Progress

Despite the DPPF's efforts to engage in dialogue with the DPC, VRBC, KLC, KFC and Teh Grauniad. None have chosen to respond. We have decided that once we have bought our first bomber, we will drop leaflets. People wishing to advertise kebab shops and takeaways should contact us at the usual address.

We have been in contact with a team of veteran Vietnamese tunnel builders. Plans are being drawn up to link local kebab shops and pubs with a series of tunnels and underground bunkers. We Have plans to furnish the bunkers with Sky TV and fridges. We are also looking into the possibility of a Spearmint Rhino type bunker with exclusive membership for freedom fighters.

AOB

The Official DPPF Mrs (back in from the bingo) would like it to be recorded that the tunnel and bunker system will closely monitored and may only be used for military purposes.

The Official DPPF Mrs has also requested a stock take of strategic rations and would like to know how the sanctioned 4 cans has resulted in 6 empties.

£3.80p to be diverted from the war chest for for spot cream for the Official DPPF Teenager.

We're Alright NOOOOWWWWWOOOOOOO!

The DPPF have (with sadness) learned of the resignation of one of the DPC's great characters. Councillor 'Wolfy' Coker has resigned due to the pressures of modern day political mediocrity and the endless fighting of worthless causes.

'Wolfy' Yesterday.

After discussions with the Official DPPF Mrs over a nice Malted Milk and a cup of PG this evening, we have decided to mark the occasion by touching up a damp patch in the hallway.

While we look for a brush and some masking tape, here are the great man's highlights.

• Err...
  
• Umm...
  
• Arh...
  

That appears to be that. See you Wolfy.

UN Resolution 633694

The UN have written to us expressing concern at the number of Kingsmedian refugees massing on the Kingsmead side of A556, seeking sanctuary within our borders.

The A556 yesterday

They have passed a mandate to introduce sanctions on the people of Davenham. The sanctions include -

• Banning the sale of aircraft.
• Restricting beer deliveries to the Oddies and the Bull.
• Introducing ID cards for use at Kngsmead shops, effectively cutting off kebab supplies to the village, or forcing us to go to the badlands for a late night snack.
• Placing Bargain Booze under martial law.
• Restrictions on medical supplies to the chemists, including Paracetamol, Rennies and E45.

The DPPF are a democratic organisation and have decided to hold a referendum. Please take the opportunity to vote. We will be delivering our results to the UN in a weeks time.

Hearts and Minds

We have launched a campaign to charm the media and win 'hearts and minds'. We have contacted the local spelling bee - Teh Notrhiwch Grauniad.

'We the nice people of Davenham are fighting a war, in between a bit of light weeding and general DIY. We are looking for recruits to join our ranks, if we don't get any we may start to conscript. Plans are in hand for fortification to the village and we plan to build a world class training centre at a secret location in Davenham. We have a clearly defined road map to full autonomy and plans for an independent kebab shop.

You are either with us or against us.

http://dppf.blogspot.com

We are available for interview after 8:30 when the kids are in bed and we have washed up.

PS. The Chronicle have offered a paid exclusive but we think they are rubbish.'

We look forward to them begging to be our mates.

Daisy, Daisy, Give Me Your Answer Do....

The DPPF are feeling sorry about the plight of the KRA (Kingsmead Residents Association). Apparently, the place is like a rubbish tip and is starting to look like a jungle. Many of them are unable to re-pay car loans and are having to trade in fur coats for underware, as they scrape together enough money to trim their borders.

The DPPF are primarily urban warriors. However, we occasionally take off our designer combats, remove our balaclava's, roll up our sleeves and lend a hand. We have decided to donate one of these from our armoury.

It's called a 'Daisy Cutter'. According to the instruction manual, they can clear most types of vegitation. Should help to keep the borders down a bit.

If anyone has a spare plane, we could drop it off in time for the weekend.

Know Your Enemy #3 - The Chav

Chavs?, friend or foe? A quick 10 facts from the DPPF Department of Social Services to help you decide.

1. There are no pockets in a real Chav track suit. Therefore, they keep their money tucked in their underpants. They can be observed checking their change between 20 and 60 times a minute.
   
2. Chavs share a number of physical similarities. Big ears, extra digits and acne are all caused as a result of swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
3. The Chav diet consists exclusively of chewing gum and fags.
   
4. Chavs often confuse tiny mobile phones for ghetto blasters.
5. The 'F' word appears often in Chav dialect. Linguists argue that the word is actually used as a form of punctuation.
6. There are between 4 and 9 Chavs in Davenham, Kingsmead is home to at least 26,000.
7. A riot was recently avoided in Northwich when Argos agreed not to close down the jewellery department.
8. The preferred form of protection during intercourse is a bus shelter.
9. Chavs are essentially a primitive anarchic culture that has yet to recognise or value the need for respect and law and order.
10. Female Chavs are generally orange in colour. Hair scraped back into a tight ponytail is known as a 'Kingsmead facelift'.

Reminder

The DAB have reminded us that we need to vote tonight for the VRBC. We will be giving spot prizes for the most emaginative spoiled paper.

We would have liked to have interviewed a few more candidates prior to the election. The DPC declined and our independant candidate can't find any of the internets anywhere. We couldn't be bothered to ask the Green party as they are all vegitarians and are busy knitting rafia jackets for their rescued mongrels.

Killing Fields

Now that the DPC's plan to turn Laburnum field into a breeding ground for the teenagers of Kingsmead and Leftwich has failed. The DPPF have decided to requisition the field for training purposes. We intend to build a state of the art facility to train young village conscripts in war craft.

Laburnum Field yesterday

We have opted for a phased approach.

Phase one is to drain the field so that our soldiers don't mess up their Rockports. The DPPF understand that the DPC estimate the cost of doing this to be in the order of £100,000. The official DPPF survey team have this week established that this can been done at zero cost. Recent analysis of surface water has shown that it contains 87.2% urine. The source of this urine has been traced back to Bargain Booze (the BB). We therefore intend to cut out the source of the flooding by standing outside the BB operational centre and offer to buy booze for all the under age kids that drink and urinate on the field and in Laburnum Road. Once we have taken the money we plan to run off with it. This cuts out the source of the contamination and along with our plan to recycle all the glass and beer cans on the field, funds phase 2.

Phase 2 will be the construction of a Krypton Factor type assault course, we have written to Gordon Burns for design ideas. We intend to seek sponsorship for its upkeep from local businesses such as the deli, the hairdressers and that nice gents clothes shop.

Phase 3 will be the construction of an urban combat training arena in the FBI style. We intend to make it more realistic by having a mock up of a kebab shop and some pensioners to work round.

We recognise that we will need to protect our assets from the Americans, so we also intend to have some nice swings and a slide as a disguise. Plans for a sand pit have been shelved as they may confuse it with somewhere in the Middle East and send in the drones to check us out, and we don't want our conscripts to get cat crap on their new Nike combat uniforms.

A consultation process is under way with the local residents, whom we have assured that, we won't park in the road.

The DPC have responded to our plans by attempting to cure the flooding problem with huge sheets of blotting paper.

The DPC Yesterday

A Little bit of Politics

Before we at the DPPF pull up our drawbridges. We have decided to give local politicians a say.

Today, opportunity knocks for Mark (Huey) Green of the MPC, who is standing for the VRBC

1. Who are you and what are you standing for in the local elections?.

I'm Mark Green, I live in Moulton, and I'm one of those Sad People who like meetings and politics. I have been described during this campaign as looking like Ernie Wise (I can't see it myself - apart from the legs).
What am I standing for - I've got no chairs!

Actually I'm standing because I think I can do a better job than the current councillors of representing the people of Davenham (and Moulton) on the Borough Council. I'm also a life-long member of the Labour Party, and believe that the party is pretty much a force for good.

2. Do you have enough money to buy out Mr Lee and convert Davenham chippy to a kebab shop?

No - do you?

3. On your first day on the new council, you find 20 tons of weapons grade plutonium in an outgoing DPC members desk drawer. Do you

a. Sell it to the Iranians and buy out Mr Lee

b. Build a bomb and blow up Kingsmill

c. Ring the army and have it removed.

Unfortunately if I win it will be Vale Royal Borough Council and not DPC, so I won't know what's in their desk!

4. How much do you think it would be reasonable to charge for parking on the proposed Oddies multistory?

I do not think the proposed Multi-storey will ever go ahead, or indeed should ever go ahead; However, if it does then to maximise revenue it should be at least 10 storeys tall. The top 5 storeys should be free as I believe there should be no barriers to using the amenities of Davenham, but the top 5 storeys should only be accessed by stairs. as you get closer to the ground floor, the price should increase with parking at the ground level being at a premium price. Cars parked at the bottom could then be shown on a large plasma screen through CCTV showing other residents that they can afford to park on ground level.

5. Do you think the current DPC are any good?.

It's not the institution that is bad or good when you talk about a PC, As it's so small it's the individual Parish Councillors who define whether a Parish Council is "any good". I refer you to the answer to Q1. I'm standing because I believe residents can be better represented. Look at my leaflets for some more detail.

6. Will you be able to support our proposed fortification of the village with a grant? Or, do you know anyone that we can 'tap up' in planning? We could stretch to say £20.

If elected to the Council I will be happy to discuss with you your planing application, as I would any resident. Indeed I plan to hold regular surgeries so residents can discuss things with me. As I'm not yet a Borough Councillor I don't know anyone in planning at all.

7. The DPPF Mum reckons that Davenham is a beautiful village, apart from Bargain Booze. She still gets her tabs and ale from there, but wants to know if you've got the guts to take on a multimillion pound booze cartel and ask them a) to provide a bin for their customers and b) litter pick daily.

If the customers of any business are responsible for generating litter, then the business should be taking active steps to address this. The Borough Council should be ensuring that businesses are aware of this, and if I am a Councillor I will get the Council to do their part, and discuss with the business directly what they are doing to improve the situation.

8. Definition of Community, is it -

a) People sitting in church halls playing bingo and talking about the war?

b) Having organisations like the Cubs and Brownies to keep our children from getting drunk and smashing things up.

c) Having function rooms in pubs.

d) A tighter and more cohesive social entity within the context of the larger society, where family and kinship are at the heart of peoples value systems, and where other shared characteristics, such as place or belief, could also contribute to the essence of the community.

All of the above

Quick fire round.

Davenham or Kingsmead?

Davenham.

Daily Mail or Daily Mirror?

Daily Mirror.

Beer or wine?

Depends, but as I'm sitting here now Beer.

Eastenders or Corry?

Eastenders if I must, but actually Shameless.

Question time or question of sport?

Should be Question Time, but actually Question of Sport.

Spicy chicken or donner?

Depends on answer to Beer or wine.

Ketchup, chili or sweetcorn relish?

Chili and Sweetcorn, but not Ketchup.

Butchers style or Laburnum field?

Tough, but probably Butchers Stile.

Blackpool or the Bahamas?

Blackpool, I burn in the sun.

John Maynard Keynes or Karl Heinrich Marx?

Bit of both, but mostly Martin Luther King.

Moss Bros. or TK Max?

Moss Bros.

Clarkes Commando's or Dr Martins?.

Dr Martins.

Rally jacket or snorkel parker?

Snorkel parker.

Friend or foe?

Judge for your self.

The DPPF have interviewed a leading local politician. The full interview will appear in the next day or two. Providing that we achieve our target of undercoating and wall papering the front room. And some more blokes are brought into Big Brother.


Peace and freedom.

Mass Media

We have decided to sell our souls and go global. The panic linkage contains added kebab shop voting goodness - get them votes in.
Panic on the streets of Davenham
click

Know Your Enemy # 2 - Davenham Parish Council (the DPC).

The DPPF have recently taken to sneaking about at night. While the official DPPF Mrs ponders over Trinny and Susanah or Wife Swap, we are out on secret missions. On one such mission we were able to obtain a bag of shredded correspondence. Over the last two weeks the DPPF have been up all night with a Pritt Stick. We have managed to piece together 12 interesting, as yet unknown facts about your local council.

• They are obsessed with parking. Although none of them actually drive!.
• They travel to meetings on donkeys whom they cruelly dangle carrots in front of.
• They intend to store nuclear waste in Davenham.
• Their lavish expense accounts include chewing gum, kebabs and copies of Razzle.
• They intend to build a multi-storey car park where the Oddies is.
• They have an initiative to twin Davenham with Kingsmead because none of them know where France is.
• They are all over 80 years of age and fought in the war.
• They collectively deny the existence of the A556.
• They have Klingon cloaking technology and are virtually invisible.
• They last time the DPC held a surgery in Davenham was the 3rd September 1948.
• They plan to have another one to mark it's centenery in 2048.
• They don't like to see litter bins as they make the village look untidy.
  

If anyone needs any shredded paper for their pets to crap on, contact us at the usual address.

DPPF - War Cabinet - Meeting Minutes #1

Those present:

Foxy, the official DPPF Mrs, the official DPPF nipper.

Apologies

Official DPPF teenager, official DPPF middle nipper.

Item 1 Refreshments

Following the weekend, DPPF rations are seriously depleted. Water and rice crackers were noted as not being suitable refreshments for a war council. A vote was taken and it was agreed on a vote of two to one, the the official DPPF Mrs should nip out for a curry. ACTION DPPF Mrs. - Complete

Item 2 Where to leave the keys to the car.

It was noted that the keys to the car should be placed in the bowl on the cupboard. ACTION - Foxy (ongoing).

Item 3 Financial Report

Cash on hand £8.36p

Outgoings (curry/booze) £14.83p

It was noted that the DPPF need to go to the bank in the morning. In the meantime we have sanctioned that £14.83p be committed to the DPPF credit card and we have sanctioned a further £8.36p from cash reserves for diesel. The was by unanimous vote.

Item 3 Training.

It was noted that some training was needed for the DPPF nipper. We will be concentrating mainly on reading and writing and clearing up. ACTION official DPPF Nipper/Foxy/official DPPF Mrs.

It was noted that Grand Theft Auto - San Andreas, is an excellent way of doing quality urban training in a realistic village surroundings. £4.00p diverted from diesel money to Blockbuster account. ACTION - The official DPPF Mrs.

It was further noted that training was required for an unnamed member of the DPPF in anger management.

Item 4 - War progress.

CLASSIFIED

Item 5 - Communication

The DPPF noted that mobile phone use should be kept to a minimum. It was also noted that last months bill was up (again) and needs to come down a bit. ACTION official DPPF Mrs.

It was noted that communications at DPPF headquarters were in need of improvement and that certain key members of the DPPF need to improve the information flow by sitting and having a 'chat' . ACTION Foxy, official DPPF Mrs (Urgent)

AOB

It was noted that Headquarters needs a few jobs doing. Official DPPF Mrs to draw up a list outstanding jobs with priorities for each job. ACTION official DPPF Mrs (Complete)

It was also noted that training sessions should not last longer than 3 hours. ACTION Foxy

Date of next meeting.

It was agreed by a unanimous vote that the next meeting will take place when the official DPPF Mrs is at her sisters with the official DPPF Nipper.


Foxy 12th June 2007

Street Wars

Parking is a popular battleground. Indeed, many of the world's major conflicts have erupted from seemingly minor parking incidents. Genghis Khan for example, lead his screaming Mongol hoards into China because a double parked Yak on Western Xia high street.

Look what nearly kicked of when Nikita Khruschev decided to park some missiles a little to close to JFK's holiday home - he nearly went ballistic.

Davenham Parish Council (the DPC), have declared war on parking. people parking anywhere in the village are being snatched from their cars and beaten by old ladies with whiskey breath. They then take photo's of the parked vehicle and send it to their lords and masters at the DPC. They receive a reward of heating vouchers for their trouble. This has lead to double standards across the town.

In Davenham this is considered to be worth a beating -


Whereas in Northwich, this kind of very poor parking is not -


Come the glorious day my freinds!

Phase 3 - Recruitment

Following a meeting tonight between the DPPF and the official DPPF Granddad (who swam all the way home from Dunkirk), We have decided that we need to add to our numbers. The official DPPF Mrs is too busy watching soaps and the official Granddad reckons we need at least a three to one ratio of attackers to defenders to win any battle. In either case we're knackered.

Therefore -


Pitch forks to the ready. Our e-mail address is invisible to the yanks so don't worry about tank buster planes while you are watering your geraniums. We are contemplating a news letter - Remember! Careless talk costs lives.

dppffreedom@yahoo.co.uk

You know it makes sense.

We Have a Cunning Plan

We’ve received a letter from Vale Royal Council Regarding our planning application for fortification to the village, in which they raise a number of concerns. One of the detailed sections that we proposed for the drawbridge has been under particular scrutiny.

We had proposed to use locally quarried Sandstone and traditional building techniques for the walls and super structure. All timber used in the manufacture of the drawbridges was to come from local renewable sources (the DPPF will probably be committed to reducing our carbon foot print as well – once we have found out what one is). The overall look of the finished construction was proposed as authentic medieval and it looked like this –

The Council have commented as follows -

• We would prefer that the overall finished construction should have a feel of ‘Mock Tudor’ or even 1930’s ‘Post Modern’ semi. We may even consider a three story pseudo ‘Georgian’ replica. This would be more in keeping with recent local developments.
  
• We do not endorse the use of traditional building materials. Please resubmit you plans showing the drawbridge superstructure being constructed as a timber frame with faux brick cladded panels, the more red the shade, the more we will like it. A nice bit of stippled rendering would also be nice.
  
• We note that you intend to use timber for the drawbridge itself. We recommend the use of that stripy wood used in decking.
  
• Please note, if you intend to add a conservatory to your drawbridge at a later date you will need to re-apply for planning permission.
  
• You cannot have a fence or a hedge, dogs must be kept on a lead.
  

The DPPF are only grateful that they haven’t noticed the moat. We will develop plans for fundraising later tonight while the official DPPF Mrs is watching Big Brother.

Know Your Enemy #1 - Kingsmead

We had another quick stategic review on the toilet this morning and we have decided to initiate:-

PHASE 2 - Education/Propaganda

A Quick dirty dozen facts about Kingsmead

1. There are 38,000 dwellings on the estate

2. The population is close to 250,000 people and it doubles each year.

3. The money owed by the estate in car loans is equivalent to the GDP of Kenya.

4. No birds fly over the estate.

5. 32% of women living there think that their partner is a professional footballer. In fact they are sales reps.

6. Virtually all of the tax revenue raised in Davenham goes to fund policing and social welfare in Kingsmead.

7. It ruined a perfectly good river valley.

8. Vandalism and exporting vandalism are the favourite pastimes for most dwellers.

9. The shopping precinct was modelled on the Brookside set.

10. It is an offence to walk anywhere.

11. Domino’s pizza’s are pound for pound, more expensive than Polonium – 210. However, they are only slightly less toxic.

12. A family of destitute Albanians recently opted to return to Albania to face almost certain death, rather than be housed on Kingsmead.

Next - 12 interesting facts about your local council.

Martial Law

The DPPF have undertaken a Strategic Defence Review (SDR) whilst painting the ceiling this afternoon. We have decided to take a phased approach in dealing with our enemies.

Today we launch phase one - operation Dulux.

The primary objectives of operation Dulux are containment (of the enemy within) and putting an end to cross border clandestine infiltration. The plan is brilliantly simple and is outlined on the battle field map.

We will be posting our outline planning application in the morning.

Keep Your Freinds Close, Keep your Enemies Closer

OK, so we've declared war. So that we don't get told off by the UN or bombed by the Americans, we need an official statement.

'We, the DPPF (Davenham Popular Peoples Front) hereby declare war with the following.

1. Kingsmead.
2. Davenham Parish Council.
3. Chavs
   
4. The Bulls Head (except on quiz night).
5. Bargain Booze. (except when we need booze)
   
6. Davenham Chippy (except when we are dunk and could eat a scabby rat).

We promise to stick to things like the Geneva Convention. Prisoners will be kept in sanitary conditions and will have quilted toilet paper. We may be a bit sneaky with food and drink as we have a limited war chest and reserve the right to provide rations from the Tesco's 'value' range.

We promise not to use land mines, cluster bombs or nerve agents of any kind, all of which are bang out of order and have no place on the modern battle field. We reserve the right to use Uranium tips once we have looked on Wikipedia and decided if we like them.

We reserve the right to suspend action and call a ceasefire under the following conditions.

1. If we get invited to a BBQ on Kingsmead.
2. We need to use the shops or takeaway.
3. While we are at work.
4. If we are tired and need an afternoon nap
   

Freedom For Davenham'

Americans,

Don't bother looking for us as we will move headquarters daily (maybe even hourly) so that we can't be tracked by satellite or google earth.

It's War

People, recent history has shown us that there are times in our lives when we need to stand up and take the piss. If piss taking fails, we must revert to sulking. If sulking fails, we must get nasty and subversive.

Trouble on the streets of Davenham has been brewing for some time. Gang law is ruling the village, power struggles are rife.

We the Popular Peoples Front of Davenham have decided that enough is enough. We are taking back our village for the good of the people. We stand united and will be victorious.