Bin Around The World

The DPPF Middle Eastern correspondent Odear Bin Lardarse has been in touch to warn us that we may have to ready our defences in preparation for an invasion by the Americans. Apparently, friendly granny Jane Felix-Spamcatfood from Moulton has decided to move her new husband into her pad in the village. Where others have objected, we say 'fair play' to her. The fuss is to do with the lads old fella and his involvement in some bad stuff that been happening outside of Davenham. The yanks reckon he might know where his dad is and therefore will be keeping an eye on him. This is him, we reckon he's mad knocking about with that Morticia from the Adams family.



We are planning to cash in on the influx of CIA into Moulton by opening a shop selling chewing gum, black suits, sunglasses, pop corn, burgers, guns and watery beer.

Omar (that's his name) also reckons that he would hide his old man from Bush - sound advice looking at Morticia!

We will be writing to Wal-Mart in the morning.

Small Faeces - Itchy Poo Park - Def Con 6 (and flashing).

One of our observers has noted an increase in germ warfare activities by the KRA. Apparently, they have been using cattle trucks to ship their pet pooches over the A556 to Davenham to deposit digested Christmas left overs. The scale of the problem is such that the residents of Hartford Road and Church Street are unable to open their doors due to huge mounds of dog excrement.

A recent estimate has quantified the scale of the problem at around 14.26 metric tons of poop being deposited on a daily basis. Of the 14.26 tons, 5 tons (or nearly half) is believed to be infested with Anthrax and the remainder contains Phosgene (a type of worm). It is believed that the problem stems from an inherent design fault found in the modern canine. A graph has shown that the modern canine's storage capacity has been reduced by 50% over the last 5 years, a direct result of a FIFTEEN fold increase in the amount of Bifidus Digestivum in modern yoghurt.

We have decided that enough is enough. We have contacted the DPC and sent samples that we have collected in the official DPPF pooper scooper (a converted coal scuttle). We have demanded an immediate cessation of this action as it clearly contravenes the Genoa Convention.

In measures to counter the problem, we will be introducing the latest member of the DPPF to the conflict. We have a new dog of our own, we were only going to keep it for Christmas, but we may now keep it until Easter, his name is Pescott.

Prescott yesterday

Prescott has been genetically modified an can eat 46 kilo's of Tesco value dog food a day. He also has a retention capacity of 15 days. When he is nice and full, we are going to take him over the road for a walk.

Duke of Earl

Despite leaving handy hints all over the flaming internets, we didn't get a leaf blower or any of our wish list for Christmas. Even though we spared no expense on lavish gifts for the Official Mrs. Including support tights, a back up air freshner for the Official Monkey Bus (pine) and a stitch counter that fits onto the end of a knitting needle. All we got was a coal scuttle, embossed with a horses head and nose hair strimmer. Oh, and a massive Toblerone.

This leaves the spring offensive in some doubt. Unless we can find the receipt for the scuttle and get the cash back we will be unable to equip and mobilise the necessary forces to invade Kingsmead, snuff out the growing threat from the First Batallion the Kingsmead Chavs and establish a kebab shop in Davenham Village.

We have decided that whilst the Toblerone is big enough to support a small troop of well armed foot soldiers and that a neatly trimmed nostril is good field hygeine, we can't go into battle swinging a coal scuttle. We need to raise cash - and quickly. We will therefore be seaking sponsorship from American toy giants Hasbro - Makers of the GI Joe toy range. Duke, from the Sigma 6 range will form the blue print for equiping our troops.

Although he is American and therefore cleary a mentalist, he comes with an impressive range of equipment.

We particularly like the grappling hook launcher as it can be used to gain us access to the top of Tesco Express and command an impressive arc of fire for the thing at the bottom of the picture that fires a nice green tipped stick.

We also like the shades and reckon we could probably convince Victoria Beckham to leave David if we were to bump into her with them on. We'd obviously then dump her because she's a minger in the flesh (according to the Official Mrs).

In time of peace, the enlarged holsters would probably allow us to carry two large chicken kebabs back home after a few scoops at the secret pub location.

We shall be writing to Hasbro first thing in the morning.