Monday 24 September 2007

DPPF - War Cabinet - Meeting Minutes #3

Those Present

Foxy, The Official Nipper, The Official DPPF Mrs, some interfering woman from down the road.

Apologies

The Official DPPF Teenager (out with spotty mate teenager), The Official DPPF Middle Nipper (finals of the world Top Trump championship).

Item 1 - Refreshments

Due to a severe balance of payments deficit, resulting from a misinterpretation of the words 'Oh do what the hell you like', rations for the meeting are restricted to 'something from the cupboard', and any wines or spirits that may or may not be hidden in the wardrobe are for Christmas and not general consumption.

It was noted that being a friend of the Official Mrs does not entitle anyone to comment on the size of anyone else's beer belly. Nor does it entitle anyone to help themselves to the Official Remote Control.

Item 2 - Defence Budget

It was agreed that the new Tom Tom Sat Nav procured for the Official Motor, was acquired under false pretences, following a misinterpretation of a mandate from the Official Mrs. Whilst being a useful aid when calling in an air strike, it was noted that it was of limited use on the school run, or when nipping to Tesco Express. The item will be placed on Ebay in the morning, the proceeds from the sale will be used to buy essential rations and a new AA road atlas.

It was agreed that if it sounded more Barry White and less like an all American cheer leader, we may have been allowed to keep it.

ACTION - Foxy

Item 3 - War Progress

A review of recent military activity was undertaken. It was noted that cross border infiltration by the KRA, DPC and the 1st Battalion The Moulton and Kingsmead Pikeys were being managed and disruption to village life was being effectively minimised.

Whilst there appears to be a lull in activity, it was noted that we need to remain vigilant and will be regularly checking for intelligence at the secret pub location.

The TITS, MUFF and CRAP will continue to train at the TWAT centre and maintain a high state of readiness.

It was again noted that being a mate of the Official Mrs does not entitle anyone to comment on the frequency of intelligence gathering exercises.

It was also noted that being married to the Official Mrs does not entitle anyone to be rude to anyone else that may be a guest of the Official Mrs.

ACTION - Foxy

Item 4 - Training

We are considering asking if the British Army officer training establishment at Sandhurst can provide a distance learning course for the Official Nipper. We would like to balance ballet classes with weapon appreciation, camouflage techniques and advanced field craft. We are also considering writing to the Early Learning Centre to voice our disgust at the lack of defence related learning aids.

The DPPF leadership have also sanctioned £40 (subject to recouping misappropriated funds), for a trip with the Official Middle nipper to 'Lazer Quest' for some urban combat training.

It was noted that any recurrence of the incident in 2005 where 14 children were mysteriously found bound and gagged at end of the training would not be tolerated, even if it was nothing to do with Foxy and the Official Middle Nipper.

ACTION - Foxy

AOB

We have received a letter from our bank regarding a loan application for a Challenger tank. The bank manager has suggested that it would not be a sound business proposition to lend us the £4 million we requested. However, they suggested that if we were to raise say £3,999,600 they would be happy to help with the £400 shortfall.

We shall be checking our credit rating in the morning.

Tuesday 18 September 2007

Spray It Again Sam

We were woken from official slumber in the early hours of this morning by the sound of a high speed zimmer frame clunking its way down our garden path. Initial investigations revealed nothing except for an empty bag of Murray Mints, a bus pass, some Trill (Budgie food) and a full colostomy bag. Having returned to our pit and the comfort of our freshly laundered full combat PJ's, we were able to get a good nights kip. Imagine our surprise when we were woken at 05:30hrs by a scream from the Official Teenager, who instead of being in a trance holding her straighteners (as is the norm for 2 hours every morning), was paralysed with fear behind a poster of Kurt Cobain.

It would appear that we have been 'Tagged'.

Our garden wall yesterday

All the evidence points to a strike by the DPC. We will be sending the contents of the colostomy bag to Dr Gillian McKeith for stool analysis and a possible DNA match. Needless to say we will be convening an emergency cabinet in the morning to formulate a response.

Saturday 8 September 2007

Disco Inferno

They're at it again!

We have just returned from infiltrating a meeting of the DPC (a full transcript of the meeting will follow once we have consulted the DPPF Official Legal Advisor).

The DPC Yesterday

We managed to gain access posing as geriatric nurses, the meeting has been secretly filmed and we will be posting it on the Benny Hill fan club's forum later this evening.

The DPC are planning to build an incinerator in the heart of the village. No doubt inspired by events elsewhere in Northwich, they have proposed a motion to construct a facility on that bit of waste ground next to the hair dressers.

Preliminary plans are to burn the 6.4 tons of dog turds deposited on Butchers Stile and Laburnum Field every day. The capacity will be expanded at a later date to include the 13.4 million tons of waste generated daily by Bargain Booze.

Needless to say, we will be defending the interests of the village by forming a new division of the DPPF. The Trainee Incinerator Thwarter Squadron (T.I.T.S) will begin training in the morning. We will also be issuing a gas mask to each of the Official Nippers and a couple of cans of pine scented Nicky Clarke volumising hair spray to the unfortunate hairdressers.


The Proposed £260 million Incinerator Yesterday

Tuesday 4 September 2007

Know Your Enemy #4 - Moulton

Following recent revelations about our neighbours to the south, we have been doing some research and have uncovered some astonishing facts about the bogey eaters. Here is a quick and dirty top ten things that you probably didn't know (or care enough to find out).

  1. 872 people live in Moulton, the rest are dead and only come out after midnight.

  2. Moulton has a higher chav density than Kingsmead. Like Kingsmead, it is a net exporter of chavs into Davenham.

  3. There are more pre 1985 BMW's in Moulton than anywhere else in the world.

  4. The village dates back to the iron age. Many people that live there come from a long line of cousins.

  5. Villagers were recently delighted when they found out that Bin what's his name was moving to the village. This would have been the first time that the depth of the gene pool had doubled since a German pilot crashed there in 1942.

  6. People often think that the village is a haven for Scottish refugees, the Jocks in question are in fact descendants of the German pilot, who is still alive and drinks in the British Legion. After several pints, och aye turns to achtung.

  7. ITV's Coronation Street is filmed on Regent Street every Wednesday and Friday.

  8. The beer prices at the Travellers Rest have been frozen since 1976 when they last restocked the cellar.

  9. The main industry in Moulton is welding bits of cars together.

  10. Moulton has only one famous son. Tim Burgess was the lead singer with 70's beat combo Allied Carpets.

Some people from Moulton yesterday