Wednesday 12 December 2007

Santa Claus - An Open Letter

Dear Santa,

We have been very good this year. Our booze intake is back in line with the national average and we have finished decorating the hall, stairs and landing. We have also been nice to the Official Nippers and their spotty mates. We have stopped breaking wind at the table during meals and asking people to pull our finger. Showers are currently running at an average of two per week and we have been using our mouth wash. Toe nail clippings are a thing of the past as is the fungal infection. We would be delighted if you could see your way to delivering the following to DPPF headquarters this Christmas.

  1. A flame thrower.
  2. A bag truck and Hanibal Lecter mask.
  3. A new razor with 6 blades.
  4. Keira Knightley.
  5. A foot spa.
  6. A Jamie Oliver's toungue draft excluder.
  7. The Warriors on DVD.
  8. Some live chickens and a hutch.
  9. A multi function combined remote control for the telly/DVD/digibox etc. With a built in cattle prod.
  10. Some white ear phones so we can pretend we have an i Pod.

Also, if you could deliver a case of 12 mixed white and red this week, before the Official Mrs does a stock take. We would be very happy to leave the usual large sherry and a copy of Razzle for your trouble.

Foxy

Commander In Chief DPPF