Now that the DPC's plan to turn Laburnum field into a breeding ground for the teenagers of Kingsmead and Leftwich has failed. The DPPF have decided to requisition the field for training purposes. We intend to build a state of the art facility to train young village conscripts in war craft.
Laburnum Field yesterdayWe have opted for a phased approach.
Phase one is to drain the field so that our soldiers don't mess up their Rockports. The DPPF understand that the DPC estimate the cost of doing this to be in the order of £100,000. The official DPPF survey team have this week established that this can been done at zero cost. Recent analysis of surface water has shown that it contains 87.2% urine. The source of this urine has been traced back to Bargain Booze (the BB). We therefore intend to cut out the source of the flooding by standing outside the BB operational centre and offer to buy booze for all the under age kids that drink and urinate on the field and in Laburnum Road. Once we have taken the money we plan to run off with it. This cuts out the source of the contamination and along with our plan to recycle all the glass and beer cans on the field, funds phase 2.
Phase 2 will be the construction of a Krypton Factor type assault course, we have written to Gordon Burns for design ideas. We intend to seek sponsorship for its upkeep from local businesses such as the deli, the hairdressers and that nice gents clothes shop.
Phase 3 will be the construction of an urban combat training arena in the FBI style. We intend to make it more realistic by having a mock up of a kebab shop and some pensioners to work round.
We recognise that we will need to protect our assets from the Americans, so we also intend to have some nice swings and a slide as a disguise. Plans for a sand pit have been shelved as they may confuse it with somewhere in the Middle East and send in the drones to check us out, and we don't want our conscripts to get cat crap on their new Nike combat uniforms.
A consultation process is under way with the local residents, whom we have assured that, we won't park in the road.
The DPC have responded to our plans by attempting to cure the flooding problem with huge sheets of blotting paper.
The DPC Yesterday
4 comments:
Dear Mr Foxy
With reference to your interview posted Sunday 17th June it was with particular interest I perused item 8 definition of a community, I think this may be the underlying factor in the present hostilities between the much admired and esteemed DPPF, the DPC and those kingsmedian types.
Looking through the DAB archives I came across a long lost community type event that could be a possible solution to the present predicament, it is of course the very forgotten but much loved summer cheese rolling competition.
This event could be resurrected as a three cornered contest to include representatives from all the above parties with a winner takes all and the losers shuting up shop and buggering off type scenario.
Each would have a Baby bell cheese with the first athlete to successfully roll the cheese down Hartford road hill, then enter the Oddfellows and drink 8 pints of strong ale would be declared the winner.
Do you think this has got any legs it would be wonderful to get the cheese rolling again so to speak and what an excuse for a regimental Pissup.
Admin@DAB (Davenham Advice Bureau)
PS. it is voting day today for councillors, voting takes place at the school with the DAB being fully committed to the immeasurable work that David Ravenscroft (aka. Ravo, Pecker and other un publishable names) puts into the village, I hope DPPF members feel the same and we all get right behind him in his erection campaign.
Admin@DAB (Davenham Advice Bureau)
Dear Admin,
Thank you for your valued contribution. I believe the cohesive effects of jointly rolling cheeses to be incapable of bridging the chasm that now exists between warring factions. However, the idea has some legs as training/bonding session for our conscripts. I particularly like the use of the ever popular miniature edam look-a-like. For health and safety reasons I suggest that we undertake this during the evening and don't chase the cheese. I think a quick chuck down the hill followed by an official binge drinking session would be reasonable. We may have to leave some of the conscripts out side with a soft drink and some crisps. I will sanction the official DPPF Mrs to keep an eye.
DO YOU REALISE THAT THIS ISN'T HELPING. PEEPLE READ THIS STUF N THINK ITS REAL YOU ARE NOBS
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