Press Release - Foxy Update

A couple of months ago Foxy was kidnapped and imprisoned by the DPC for exposing their evil intent. We have continued to fight for his unconditional release from this illegal incarceration and have involved both Trevor Macdonald and that welsh weather girl that went out with the bloke is giving the cheeky twins a seeing too.

We believe he is being held against his will in a location on Kingsmead and being made to lick envelopes for 23 hours a day without a drink or a Playstation.

We have been contacted by ex SAS TV (Television not Transvestite) celebrity Andy McNab who has offered to help by rescuing Foxy and hiding out with him until the coast is clear. However, we have declined his offer after taking reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt him down. Actually, why didn't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the twat quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.

The Official DPPF Mrs has asked us to release the following statement -

'Foxy has been missing in action for some time now, the grass is knee length and greenfly have taken over some of the plant things. The Official Nippers ask after him at least once a month and the bathroom smells a lot better. If anyone would like to voluteer to help recue him sometime after the Olympics, please get in touch. We need him out for my birthday in October because I'm going away with the girls and can't get a baby sitter.'

The DPC and (we suspect) the KRA have released a picture

Foxy at some point in the past

Anyone that has heard noises like a pig squealing until late in the night anywhere on Kingsmead should contact us and we will kick some serious mock tudor/UPV door in.

Pets That Can Be Used As Weapons #1 - Corner Kitty.

The Official Nipper wants a cat. We reckon we could find room for one now that Prescott has been 'exported'. Ever mindful that we need to consider options to expand our offensive capability for the forthcoming spring offensive, we have been looking at pet/weapon combinations. Kitty Cornershot would appear to have all the attributes that we are looking for.

1. It is a cat
2. It is a weapon.

We need now to establish the following facts before we consider a purchase.

1. Is it machine washable.
2. Do they do a Manx version as we don't want the tail tickling our nose and making us sneeze at the exact moment that we release a round. This could result in a friendly fire type incident.
3. Do you insert the barrel into the 'cat flap' or does it go underneath. If it's the former, we don't want one.
4. Can it be used for everyday pest control as well as hunting Kingsmeadian chavs.
5. Do they do a Staffordshire Bull Terrier version to attract Kingsmedian chavs.
6. Does the cat conform to all current safety standard and can you choke on the eyes if they fall off or the Official Nipper bites them off.
7. Can it be recycled (Official Teenager).

Subject to satisfactory answers to the above, we will be talking to the Yanks in the morning. With any luck we should be able to take delivery in time for the Spring/Summer* Offensive.

* The actual timing of the offensive is unsure at the moment due to a requirement to cut the grass and paint the Official Shed.

Edit - Looks like we have an answer to the cat flap conundrum.

Lip Up Fatty

Prescott, the Official DPPF pooch has got to go. We need to find him a new home because we can't afford to feed the fat pig. He has taken to eating vast quantities of Haribo and Flumps. We keep catching the rascal begging outside the Spa shop and licking up diesel spillages. Despite walking all the way over to Kingsmead every day for a dump, he is still gaining weight. We called into the Arc veterinary surgery on Kingsmead the other day, they had no idea how to deal with him. They said they are only used to seeing Poodles, Pit Bull Terriers and Cockney Sparrows.

We have decided to release him into the wild. The plan is to paint him dark grey, cut off his legs half way up, hammer the stumps flat and release him into a colony of Walrus. He will then be able to start a family of his own. That's if any Warlrus lady can stand the smell of his diesel breath.

Prescott Yesterday

Cooking Equipment That Can Be Used As Weapons - The Turkey Cannon

We reckon that a Turkey traveling somewhere between the speed of sound and warp factor 1 would make a formidable secret weapon. Using our trusted 'line of chavs' weapons testing theory, we have managed to calculate that for the given velocities an 8 pound balistic butterball should take out between 72 and 26,141 sequential chavs and possibly penetrate the most heavily modified Saxo. Indeed, it could be argued that, by developing an advanced range of stuffings, the humble fowl could be used to deliver anything from sage and onion to a full nuclear payload.

Hands up to those pesky yanks for developing the Turkey Cannon.

A Turkey Cannon yesterday

The ruse is that the tube is filled with booze and inserted up the birds Gary Glitter. When cooked in the oven, or on the BBQ, the liquid serves to keep the birds inner sanctum moist.

We reckon that if the tube is filled with 2:1 stoichiometric mixture of hydrogen and oxygen and then heated, the resulting explosion should propell the poultry at a respectable velocity.

We may even invite the UN weapons inspectors round in the summer and they can watch while we stuff our booze filled probe into our bird and give it a good roasting in the garden.

We shall be trying to work out what $18.99c is in real money in the morning. Oh, and where we can get some hydrogen from.

Money, Money, Money - Must Be Funny.

As ABBA once said -

Now we're old and grey fernando
And since many years I havent seen a rifle in your hand
Can you hear the drums fernando?
Do you still recall the frightful night we crossed the rio grande?
I can see it in your eyes
How proud you were to fight for freedom in this land.

Brought a tear to our eye when we heard that on Wogan this morning. And it got us thinking about the war to free Davenham. Cash reserves are at an all time low and the troops are demoralised. We have had a chat with the Official Mrs and looked down the back of all the seats. We found 62p, two hair clips, 4 toe nails, a biro, and a crisp. The Official Mrs didn't talk back and is holding on to her purse tighter than a tramp clinging to the last can of Special Brew in the world.

The whole situation is seriously jeopardising the planned spring offensive to free Davenham once and for all and rid ourselves of the evil scurge that is Kingsmead and the DPC.

We may need to resort to desparate means to secure the funding we need. For now we are going to concentrate on peaceful methods and intend to start with an appeal to a very kind offer in the Northwich Guardian. They are offering cash to worthy causes such as ours and have gone to great lengths to describe us in the criteria they set down. If anyone out there cares, please add your weight to our appeal. They cannot ignore us forever!!

FREEDOM FOR DAVENHAM - CLICKERTY CLICK FOR CASH

United we stand.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Whilst out on manouvers over the weekend, we were accidentally kidnapped by aliens and forced to take part in cruel experiments that lasted into the small hours of Sunday morning. We are convinced that we were given a 'mind wipe' resulting in total memory loss, a lack of co-ordination and a really bad head ache. The theiving alien scum also nicked the official mobile phone and all our cash. We were deposited outside the front door of DPPF HQ in a state of severe dehydation, malnurishment and FDKD (front door key deficiency).

Needless to say, we are now in an advanced state of severe trouble. Despite producing evidence of the existence of alien kidnappers and appologising for their actions, we have triggered another bout of radio silence from the Official Mrs. Worse still, we have also triggered rationing of WWII proportions. We have been informed that we will not be enjoying any of this for some time -

Any of this is completely out of the question-

It's probably the last time we will be enjoying these for a considerable length of time -

We shall therefore be concentrating on plans for the spring offensive and developing a strategy to ensure a timely return to full rations.

We reckon some flowers from the garage and a Robbie Williams CD should do the trick.

Bin Around The World

The DPPF Middle Eastern correspondent Odear Bin Lardarse has been in touch to warn us that we may have to ready our defences in preparation for an invasion by the Americans. Apparently, friendly granny Jane Felix-Spamcatfood from Moulton has decided to move her new husband into her pad in the village. Where others have objected, we say 'fair play' to her. The fuss is to do with the lads old fella and his involvement in some bad stuff that been happening outside of Davenham. The yanks reckon he might know where his dad is and therefore will be keeping an eye on him. This is him, we reckon he's mad knocking about with that Morticia from the Adams family.



We are planning to cash in on the influx of CIA into Moulton by opening a shop selling chewing gum, black suits, sunglasses, pop corn, burgers, guns and watery beer.

Omar (that's his name) also reckons that he would hide his old man from Bush - sound advice looking at Morticia!

We will be writing to Wal-Mart in the morning.

Small Faeces - Itchy Poo Park - Def Con 6 (and flashing).

One of our observers has noted an increase in germ warfare activities by the KRA. Apparently, they have been using cattle trucks to ship their pet pooches over the A556 to Davenham to deposit digested Christmas left overs. The scale of the problem is such that the residents of Hartford Road and Church Street are unable to open their doors due to huge mounds of dog excrement.

A recent estimate has quantified the scale of the problem at around 14.26 metric tons of poop being deposited on a daily basis. Of the 14.26 tons, 5 tons (or nearly half) is believed to be infested with Anthrax and the remainder contains Phosgene (a type of worm). It is believed that the problem stems from an inherent design fault found in the modern canine. A graph has shown that the modern canine's storage capacity has been reduced by 50% over the last 5 years, a direct result of a FIFTEEN fold increase in the amount of Bifidus Digestivum in modern yoghurt.

We have decided that enough is enough. We have contacted the DPC and sent samples that we have collected in the official DPPF pooper scooper (a converted coal scuttle). We have demanded an immediate cessation of this action as it clearly contravenes the Genoa Convention.

In measures to counter the problem, we will be introducing the latest member of the DPPF to the conflict. We have a new dog of our own, we were only going to keep it for Christmas, but we may now keep it until Easter, his name is Pescott.

Prescott yesterday

Prescott has been genetically modified an can eat 46 kilo's of Tesco value dog food a day. He also has a retention capacity of 15 days. When he is nice and full, we are going to take him over the road for a walk.

Duke of Earl

Despite leaving handy hints all over the flaming internets, we didn't get a leaf blower or any of our wish list for Christmas. Even though we spared no expense on lavish gifts for the Official Mrs. Including support tights, a back up air freshner for the Official Monkey Bus (pine) and a stitch counter that fits onto the end of a knitting needle. All we got was a coal scuttle, embossed with a horses head and nose hair strimmer. Oh, and a massive Toblerone.

This leaves the spring offensive in some doubt. Unless we can find the receipt for the scuttle and get the cash back we will be unable to equip and mobilise the necessary forces to invade Kingsmead, snuff out the growing threat from the First Batallion the Kingsmead Chavs and establish a kebab shop in Davenham Village.

We have decided that whilst the Toblerone is big enough to support a small troop of well armed foot soldiers and that a neatly trimmed nostril is good field hygeine, we can't go into battle swinging a coal scuttle. We need to raise cash - and quickly. We will therefore be seaking sponsorship from American toy giants Hasbro - Makers of the GI Joe toy range. Duke, from the Sigma 6 range will form the blue print for equiping our troops.

Although he is American and therefore cleary a mentalist, he comes with an impressive range of equipment.

We particularly like the grappling hook launcher as it can be used to gain us access to the top of Tesco Express and command an impressive arc of fire for the thing at the bottom of the picture that fires a nice green tipped stick.

We also like the shades and reckon we could probably convince Victoria Beckham to leave David if we were to bump into her with them on. We'd obviously then dump her because she's a minger in the flesh (according to the Official Mrs).

In time of peace, the enlarged holsters would probably allow us to carry two large chicken kebabs back home after a few scoops at the secret pub location.

We shall be writing to Hasbro first thing in the morning.