Stone The Crows

The DPPF undercover unit have uncovered sinister going's on with one of our neighbours. While we have been conducting operations against our stated enemies, we have neglected the fact the Moulton has become a training ground for paramilitaries. We have always been wary of declaring all out war on the village because -

• One of our favourite Aunts lives there.
• There are a couple of people that we know that could probably 'have us' in a proper fight.
• Bin what's his name might take the hump.
• They have a real tank.
• The Official Nipper goes to play group there.

However, following tonight's meeting of the war council, we have decided we cannot tolerate a training ground for inter-village terrorists on our door step. Our undercover agent in Moulton has sent us this picture of one of their summer training camps. They call themselves 'The Crowmen'.

Moulton Militia Yesterday

They dress in black and cover their faces with a mask sporting a razor sharp Tungsten 'beak', which they are trained to kill and butter scones.

To counter the growing threat, we will be sanctioning a change of role for the DPPF Mountain and Urban Fighting Force (MUFF). They will now be known as the Crow Reconnaissance Advanced Party (CRAP). Standing orders and rules of engagement will be will be scribbled onto the back of a fag packet in the morning, after we have checked to see if Wurzel Gummidge is still alive.

Friggin in the Rigging!

While examining our flanks during an early morning strategic defence review with the Official DPPF Mrs at the weekend, we decided that this years Brucie Bonus from the Official Employer should be spent on the following.

1. A new Epilady for the Official DPPF Mrs's flanks.

2. A massive boat with loads of guns and some depth charges.

We have sanctioned £19.99 to be spent procuring item one from E-Bay. We have also managed to strike a deal with the Royal Navy for a Type 4 Frigate. The Frigate is to patrol our water front on the River Weaver and protect our eastern flank.

We will be buying a bottle of Lambrusco from Bargain Booze this week and will be holding a naming ceremony by the Blue Bridge at the weekend. We are currently debating a name for our new flagship. After a heated debate we have chosen either HMS Carnage or HMS Fairy Princess .

We be contacting the Waterways to see if they can extend Vale Royal Locks and lend us a Dredger.

Our new ship yesterday

We shall be contacting the nice people at the rowing club to discuss the sole use of the river and the consequences of a torpedo strike on a coxed eight.

We shall also be contacting local anglers to discuss the effects of fouling our propellers with mono filament and the effects of a depth charge on a freshly ground baited swim.

Earwiging - DPPF Listening Post Report

We have insiders that work somewhere really sneaky. They have been earwigging on coded conversations between the KRA and the DPC. Here is a transcript of a recent conversation. Looks like the DPC have fallen out with the KRA.

As we don't want to fall foul of the data protection Nazi's, we will switch real names. Any correspondent of the DPC will be known as 'DPC', and any Correspondent of the KRA will be known as the 'KRA',

KRA - You lot at the DPC are rubbish. Our ponds smell, we have dead trees dropping leaves on our decking and our borders are looking like Anne Widdecombe's chin.

DPC - Sorry, we are having trouble justifying our existence, can we get back to you?

KRA - No, we will bin you and invade Davenham village on our own.

DPC - Don't do that. The DPPF are a bit scary and we are digging bunkers as we speak.

KRA - OK, we agree. What about the precept? It's a lot of money you know?

DPC - We don't know anything about that. Florida is nice though, isn't it?

KRA - Why are you all for Davenham village and not Kingsmead?

DPC - We're not, we are about to shaft them as well. Ask the residents of Laburnum Road.

KRA - Can we have our allotments then?

DPC - No.

KRA - Why not?

DPC - Because we have Alzheimers and can't remember. Give us a minute, we need a pee.

KRA - Whilst you are peeing our trees are dying.

DPC - What?

KRA - Trees!

DPC - Sort your own trees, We are thinking about how we can get on to the front page of the Daily Mail.

KRA - Were you elected to represent?

DPC - Cock off!

KRA - This is pointless!

DPC - Fancy at chat about the war?

KRA - No. We're taking this into our own hands. Leave us alone and go and shaft those poor people that live in Davenham.

DPC - OK, sod off you lot. Ding Ding, round one. Davenham is having it.

KRA - You are a bunch of idiots!

DPC - We don't care, we've got your money. You lot can cock off! We think, therefore we are!

Scary or what? - we are turning off our scanner now!

Oh, and never voting ever again!

Sign of The Times

The DPPF are a benevolent organisation and like to help out when we can. We found some tin sheet and some spare paint in the Official DPPF Shed this evening. We were going to use it to build a feature bar at the DPPF Headquarters. We were planning beer pumps, optics, a dart board, a card of KP dry roasted nuts, six different flavours of crisps (Walkers), a space invader machine, a one armed bandit, a framed picture of Foxy posing as a Matador that we brought back from Torremolinos last year and stools. However, we have decided that we need to expend these valuable resources on a new armoured wardrobe to house the Official DPPF Mrs's new undercover frocks that she blew this months defence budget on at TK Max. The good news is, we have some surplus so we made this for the KRA to replace the bent sign near the roundabout.



Sorry about the holes, the Official DPPF Teenager found the keys to the scooter. If someone has a wheelbarrow, we could drop it off in the morning.

CONTACT! - DPPF Press Department Statement

A joint foot patrol of forces from the DPPF and the LRDG tonight clashed with the combined forces of the KRA and the DPC. Whilst undertaking a sweep of village boundary along the A556, several members of the opposition forces opened fire on the DPPF/LRDG forces from behind a hedge on the Kingsmead side. Coalition forces were pinned down in an area to the east of Green Avenue and endured a sustained barrage of verbal abuse. Coalition forces retaliated by rallying and performing a robust counter attacking manoeuvre, involving pincers and running whilst shouting. Despite being out of breath and having muddy shoes, the coalition forces managed to force the KRA/DPC forces to retreat and would have captured a significant piece of KRA territory had the Official DPPF Mrs not called for a coalition retreat because dinner was on the table.

The Battlefield Today

Following the skirmish, coalition forces regrouped at a secret pub in the village. A head count revealed that there were no casualties.

Commander Foxy Freedom, who was likened to Colonel H Jones following the contact said from the secret pub location "We would like to pay tribute to the brave foot soldiers of the DPPF and the LRDG, some of whom will have to microwave their dinner when they get in. Needless to say, the Official DPPF Mrs will be maintaining radio silence until we apologise for missing dinner and bath time for the Official DPPF nipper. In times of conflict, sometime we need to make sacrifices".

Emergenct Meeting - DPPF Transport Committee

The Official DPPF Mrs called an emergency meeting this evening. Concerned about the environment, we have decided that a Humber Pig may adversely affect our carbon footprint and a tank of any sort may be difficult to reverse park. Parking is of particular concern given that the DPC are now dishing out death sentences for illegal parking. We have therefore decided that we will probably be buying one of these -

Some Scooters Yesterday

It's called a Scooter. It will do 300 miles to the gallon, is cheap to tax and insure, is air cooled (handy in times of drought) and has a 75mm recoilless cannon (ideal for clearing a parking space at Tesco Express). It has the power to catch and destroy even the most souped up Saxo and can be fitted with a side car for the DPPF nippers. We will be looking for a part exchange for the Official DPPF Austin Allegro, there may even be change for some nice gloves and a pair of comedy stick on furry ears for our helmet.

We will be writing to Phil Daniels and that nice Sting chap for tips on good scootering. We will not be contacting Leslie Ash, because she looks like a cod.

DPPF Transport Committee.

The Official DPPF Austin Allegro needs a new clutch, the cost of which is proving difficult to justify. This has prompted the DPPF to plan ahead. With the war reaching a crucial stage, it is essential that we 'tool up' for the forthcoming campaign. We have searched the web and having looked on
http://whatthemodernrevolutionarydrives.com we have short listed the following motors-

Aircon/full service history/one careful owner/floats/cup holder

Dealer serviced/flame-proof interior/6 speakers/first aid kit

Leather seats/walnut dash/air con/multi fuel engine/massive gun/smoke cannon

The Official DPPF Mrs has chipped in at the eleventh hour with a few pre requisites -

1. Does it have a vanity mirror
2. Does it have a system for alerting the DPPF when someone else is required to reverse park.
3. Does the interior match chocolate stains.
4. Has it got somewhere to hang smelly cardboard trees.
5. Is it happy doing 20mph in a 30mph zone.
6. Is it pink.

As an alternative, The Official DPPF Mrs has proposed the following may be more suitable.


We shall be seeking a section under the Mental Health Act in the morning.