Pets That Can Be Used As Weapons #1 - Corner Kitty.

The Official Nipper wants a cat. We reckon we could find room for one now that Prescott has been 'exported'. Ever mindful that we need to consider options to expand our offensive capability for the forthcoming spring offensive, we have been looking at pet/weapon combinations. Kitty Cornershot would appear to have all the attributes that we are looking for.

1. It is a cat
2. It is a weapon.

We need now to establish the following facts before we consider a purchase.

1. Is it machine washable.
2. Do they do a Manx version as we don't want the tail tickling our nose and making us sneeze at the exact moment that we release a round. This could result in a friendly fire type incident.
3. Do you insert the barrel into the 'cat flap' or does it go underneath. If it's the former, we don't want one.
4. Can it be used for everyday pest control as well as hunting Kingsmeadian chavs.
5. Do they do a Staffordshire Bull Terrier version to attract Kingsmedian chavs.
6. Does the cat conform to all current safety standard and can you choke on the eyes if they fall off or the Official Nipper bites them off.
7. Can it be recycled (Official Teenager).

Subject to satisfactory answers to the above, we will be talking to the Yanks in the morning. With any luck we should be able to take delivery in time for the Spring/Summer* Offensive.

* The actual timing of the offensive is unsure at the moment due to a requirement to cut the grass and paint the Official Shed.

Edit - Looks like we have an answer to the cat flap conundrum.

Lip Up Fatty

Prescott, the Official DPPF pooch has got to go. We need to find him a new home because we can't afford to feed the fat pig. He has taken to eating vast quantities of Haribo and Flumps. We keep catching the rascal begging outside the Spa shop and licking up diesel spillages. Despite walking all the way over to Kingsmead every day for a dump, he is still gaining weight. We called into the Arc veterinary surgery on Kingsmead the other day, they had no idea how to deal with him. They said they are only used to seeing Poodles, Pit Bull Terriers and Cockney Sparrows.

We have decided to release him into the wild. The plan is to paint him dark grey, cut off his legs half way up, hammer the stumps flat and release him into a colony of Walrus. He will then be able to start a family of his own. That's if any Warlrus lady can stand the smell of his diesel breath.

Prescott Yesterday

Cooking Equipment That Can Be Used As Weapons - The Turkey Cannon

We reckon that a Turkey traveling somewhere between the speed of sound and warp factor 1 would make a formidable secret weapon. Using our trusted 'line of chavs' weapons testing theory, we have managed to calculate that for the given velocities an 8 pound balistic butterball should take out between 72 and 26,141 sequential chavs and possibly penetrate the most heavily modified Saxo. Indeed, it could be argued that, by developing an advanced range of stuffings, the humble fowl could be used to deliver anything from sage and onion to a full nuclear payload.

Hands up to those pesky yanks for developing the Turkey Cannon.

A Turkey Cannon yesterday

The ruse is that the tube is filled with booze and inserted up the birds Gary Glitter. When cooked in the oven, or on the BBQ, the liquid serves to keep the birds inner sanctum moist.

We reckon that if the tube is filled with 2:1 stoichiometric mixture of hydrogen and oxygen and then heated, the resulting explosion should propell the poultry at a respectable velocity.

We may even invite the UN weapons inspectors round in the summer and they can watch while we stuff our booze filled probe into our bird and give it a good roasting in the garden.

We shall be trying to work out what $18.99c is in real money in the morning. Oh, and where we can get some hydrogen from.

Money, Money, Money - Must Be Funny.

As ABBA once said -

Now we're old and grey fernando
And since many years I havent seen a rifle in your hand
Can you hear the drums fernando?
Do you still recall the frightful night we crossed the rio grande?
I can see it in your eyes
How proud you were to fight for freedom in this land.

Brought a tear to our eye when we heard that on Wogan this morning. And it got us thinking about the war to free Davenham. Cash reserves are at an all time low and the troops are demoralised. We have had a chat with the Official Mrs and looked down the back of all the seats. We found 62p, two hair clips, 4 toe nails, a biro, and a crisp. The Official Mrs didn't talk back and is holding on to her purse tighter than a tramp clinging to the last can of Special Brew in the world.

The whole situation is seriously jeopardising the planned spring offensive to free Davenham once and for all and rid ourselves of the evil scurge that is Kingsmead and the DPC.

We may need to resort to desparate means to secure the funding we need. For now we are going to concentrate on peaceful methods and intend to start with an appeal to a very kind offer in the Northwich Guardian. They are offering cash to worthy causes such as ours and have gone to great lengths to describe us in the criteria they set down. If anyone out there cares, please add your weight to our appeal. They cannot ignore us forever!!

FREEDOM FOR DAVENHAM - CLICKERTY CLICK FOR CASH

United we stand.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Whilst out on manouvers over the weekend, we were accidentally kidnapped by aliens and forced to take part in cruel experiments that lasted into the small hours of Sunday morning. We are convinced that we were given a 'mind wipe' resulting in total memory loss, a lack of co-ordination and a really bad head ache. The theiving alien scum also nicked the official mobile phone and all our cash. We were deposited outside the front door of DPPF HQ in a state of severe dehydation, malnurishment and FDKD (front door key deficiency).

Needless to say, we are now in an advanced state of severe trouble. Despite producing evidence of the existence of alien kidnappers and appologising for their actions, we have triggered another bout of radio silence from the Official Mrs. Worse still, we have also triggered rationing of WWII proportions. We have been informed that we will not be enjoying any of this for some time -

Any of this is completely out of the question-

It's probably the last time we will be enjoying these for a considerable length of time -

We shall therefore be concentrating on plans for the spring offensive and developing a strategy to ensure a timely return to full rations.

We reckon some flowers from the garage and a Robbie Williams CD should do the trick.

Bin Around The World

The DPPF Middle Eastern correspondent Odear Bin Lardarse has been in touch to warn us that we may have to ready our defences in preparation for an invasion by the Americans. Apparently, friendly granny Jane Felix-Spamcatfood from Moulton has decided to move her new husband into her pad in the village. Where others have objected, we say 'fair play' to her. The fuss is to do with the lads old fella and his involvement in some bad stuff that been happening outside of Davenham. The yanks reckon he might know where his dad is and therefore will be keeping an eye on him. This is him, we reckon he's mad knocking about with that Morticia from the Adams family.



We are planning to cash in on the influx of CIA into Moulton by opening a shop selling chewing gum, black suits, sunglasses, pop corn, burgers, guns and watery beer.

Omar (that's his name) also reckons that he would hide his old man from Bush - sound advice looking at Morticia!

We will be writing to Wal-Mart in the morning.

Small Faeces - Itchy Poo Park - Def Con 6 (and flashing).

One of our observers has noted an increase in germ warfare activities by the KRA. Apparently, they have been using cattle trucks to ship their pet pooches over the A556 to Davenham to deposit digested Christmas left overs. The scale of the problem is such that the residents of Hartford Road and Church Street are unable to open their doors due to huge mounds of dog excrement.

A recent estimate has quantified the scale of the problem at around 14.26 metric tons of poop being deposited on a daily basis. Of the 14.26 tons, 5 tons (or nearly half) is believed to be infested with Anthrax and the remainder contains Phosgene (a type of worm). It is believed that the problem stems from an inherent design fault found in the modern canine. A graph has shown that the modern canine's storage capacity has been reduced by 50% over the last 5 years, a direct result of a FIFTEEN fold increase in the amount of Bifidus Digestivum in modern yoghurt.

We have decided that enough is enough. We have contacted the DPC and sent samples that we have collected in the official DPPF pooper scooper (a converted coal scuttle). We have demanded an immediate cessation of this action as it clearly contravenes the Genoa Convention.

In measures to counter the problem, we will be introducing the latest member of the DPPF to the conflict. We have a new dog of our own, we were only going to keep it for Christmas, but we may now keep it until Easter, his name is Pescott.

Prescott yesterday

Prescott has been genetically modified an can eat 46 kilo's of Tesco value dog food a day. He also has a retention capacity of 15 days. When he is nice and full, we are going to take him over the road for a walk.

Duke of Earl

Despite leaving handy hints all over the flaming internets, we didn't get a leaf blower or any of our wish list for Christmas. Even though we spared no expense on lavish gifts for the Official Mrs. Including support tights, a back up air freshner for the Official Monkey Bus (pine) and a stitch counter that fits onto the end of a knitting needle. All we got was a coal scuttle, embossed with a horses head and nose hair strimmer. Oh, and a massive Toblerone.

This leaves the spring offensive in some doubt. Unless we can find the receipt for the scuttle and get the cash back we will be unable to equip and mobilise the necessary forces to invade Kingsmead, snuff out the growing threat from the First Batallion the Kingsmead Chavs and establish a kebab shop in Davenham Village.

We have decided that whilst the Toblerone is big enough to support a small troop of well armed foot soldiers and that a neatly trimmed nostril is good field hygeine, we can't go into battle swinging a coal scuttle. We need to raise cash - and quickly. We will therefore be seaking sponsorship from American toy giants Hasbro - Makers of the GI Joe toy range. Duke, from the Sigma 6 range will form the blue print for equiping our troops.

Although he is American and therefore cleary a mentalist, he comes with an impressive range of equipment.

We particularly like the grappling hook launcher as it can be used to gain us access to the top of Tesco Express and command an impressive arc of fire for the thing at the bottom of the picture that fires a nice green tipped stick.

We also like the shades and reckon we could probably convince Victoria Beckham to leave David if we were to bump into her with them on. We'd obviously then dump her because she's a minger in the flesh (according to the Official Mrs).

In time of peace, the enlarged holsters would probably allow us to carry two large chicken kebabs back home after a few scoops at the secret pub location.

We shall be writing to Hasbro first thing in the morning.

Santa Claus - An Open Letter

Dear Santa,

We have been very good this year. Our booze intake is back in line with the national average and we have finished decorating the hall, stairs and landing. We have also been nice to the Official Nippers and their spotty mates. We have stopped breaking wind at the table during meals and asking people to pull our finger. Showers are currently running at an average of two per week and we have been using our mouth wash. Toe nail clippings are a thing of the past as is the fungal infection. We would be delighted if you could see your way to delivering the following to DPPF headquarters this Christmas.

1. A flame thrower.
2. A bag truck and Hanibal Lecter mask.
3. A new razor with 6 blades.
4. Keira Knightley.
5. A foot spa.
6. A Jamie Oliver's toungue draft excluder.
7. The Warriors on DVD.
8. Some live chickens and a hutch.
9. A multi function combined remote control for the telly/DVD/digibox etc. With a built in cattle prod.
10. Some white ear phones so we can pretend we have an i Pod.

Also, if you could deliver a case of 12 mixed white and red this week, before the Official Mrs does a stock take. We would be very happy to leave the usual large sherry and a copy of Razzle for your trouble.

Foxy

Commander In Chief DPPF

Garden Tools That Can Be Used As Weapons # 1

The Leaf Blower

'Leaves come from trees. Some trees like their leaves and others get fed up with theirs every autum. There are a number of ways to deal with trees that don't like leaves. Simplest is to chop the tree down, if you can't do that because someone has tied themself to it, you will need to remove ALL the branches and replace them with evergreen ones. These can be obtained from garden shops in the tree section. If the problem tree is beyond your borders and can't be treated for leaf droppage, you will need to do something else.' - Alan Tichmarsh

Cheers Al. We have been informed by the Official Mrs that, unlike in America, we can't have a gun for Christmas. This gives us a problem in tooling up for the planned spring offensive. So, we have been thinking about teching up our tool kit with offensive options. First on our shopping list is a leaf blower like this one -

This little beauty is the Shindaiwa EB8510. It has an 80cc engine producing a nozzle velocity of 224 mph. This is more powerful than a huricane. We reckon that it can be adapted to deliver a range of projectiles. We have calculated that an object with a mass of 1kg traveling at 224mph would knock down 4 chavs standing in a line. Big, Bad, and Blue. The Shindaiwa EB8510 is one of the most powerful 4-stroke backpack blowers on the market today. Features include -

• Comfortable padded straps and back pad made of tough, breathable nylon. Round, compact design reduces snagging.
• Convenient rapid-fire pistol grip throttle control mechanism with cruise control (RT model only).
• Throttle cruise control for sustained “hands-off” operation (RT model only).
• Chrome plated cylinder with 2-ring piston design.
• Tool-free easy access, 2-staged air filter system with extra large surface area.
• Excellent fuel economy – about 20% better vs equivalent 2-stroke model.
• Business as usual with 50:1 mix – No dipstick!
• Can be fitted with a special lazer sight.
• Can be used to deliver ordinance over a long range.

The Shindaiwa EB8510RT features a pistol-grip throttle control handle with cruise control, adjustable angle, and a special “Hush Mode” feature that allows quiet operation in noise sensitive areas.

Sounds ideal and a snip at £368. That's 216 pairs of socks from Next, or 368 initialed snot rags from Matalan. We will be having a word with the Official Mrs in the morning.

Rebel Without A Clue

We have been receiving threats from a faction claiming to be affiliated to the DPC. Things have become so scary that Foxy is having to taste all the food and drink in the house before it can be considered safe for the Official Nippers and Mrs. This is particularly bad as we enter the festive season and the place is swollen with contraband.


In these threats, the perpetrator claims that he has been paid to 'take us out', we have suggested that a trip to a local panto would be most welcome. We have also received a video detailing our crimes. On closer inspection, we reckon that this person lives on Kingsmead and is actually a member of the KRA. We have taken the liberty of producing a still from the video.

Anyone seeing this man in Davenham should not approach him, he is armed and clearly dangerous. We just hope that he washed his mums tights before filming.

We will be sending our evidence to the internet ombudsman in the morning.

If It's Not Love, Then It's The Bomb That Will Bring Us Together

We have been listening to The Smiths and have to take exception with Morrissey over the lyrics to his song 'Ask'. The Americans ran some experiments with bombs recently, and instead of bringing people together, they were actually blown apart - FACT!

Those pesky Russians are also messing about with bombs and some old planes. They are apparently flexing their military muscles and regularly probing Britain's air defences. This almost certainly means that they are going to blow us all up. As Morrissey also once said about his comatose Mrs - 'it's serious'.

In order to counter this growing threat we will be declaring the village a Nuclear Free Zone. Manchester City Council declared the city such in 1980 and our research has shown that no atom bombs have gone off there since. Ipso Facto.

Mr T is backing the campaign.

Mr T Yesterday

Franks For The Memories

In our quest for knowledge, we have been researching war and collecting memorabilia. We recently acquired this little gem from a German on e-bay. Its a bona fide certified genuine copy of Anne Frank's diary. We only paid £40 for it, we are going to put it in a glass case and give it to the official Mrs for Christmas, she'll be that chuffed we will probably get a 'result'. (click pic for embiggerment)

Our pride and joy yesterday.

Video Killed The Radio Star

While their is a lull in cross border infiltrations, we have decided to entertain ourselves by making a set of Top Trump cards of local civic dignitaries. First in the series is that artful dodger Ronald McDonald of the VRBC.

Name - Ronald McDonald
Occupation - Burger Flipper

Toryness................................4/5
Labouryness..........................1/5
Greenyness......................-742/5
Intellect...................................0/5
Popularity..............................-8/5
Political Ability......................-2/5
No of Mates...............................0

We were worried that he may be nasty in our comments, but we reckon he probably can't type.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered

Being as those ungrateful wretches on the Kingsmill estate didn't take us up on the offer of a new sign for the spine road, we have decided to offer our services to those lovable geriatric rogues at the DPC. Though quite why we should after they sprayed a knob on our wall is beyond us. We have consulted with Itchy and Satchi and we have managed to come up with a design. The brief that we gave them was to imagineer a new logo for the DPC that captured their essence, penetrated through to their core values and made a bold statement about the service that they provide.

This is their initial stab - we like it.

We reckon this should get us say £20 knocked of our poll tax. We will be writing to them in the morning.

DPPF - War Cabinet - Meeting Minutes #3

Those Present

Foxy, The Official Nipper, The Official DPPF Mrs, some interfering woman from down the road.

Apologies

The Official DPPF Teenager (out with spotty mate teenager), The Official DPPF Middle Nipper (finals of the world Top Trump championship).

Item 1 - Refreshments

Due to a severe balance of payments deficit, resulting from a misinterpretation of the words 'Oh do what the hell you like', rations for the meeting are restricted to 'something from the cupboard', and any wines or spirits that may or may not be hidden in the wardrobe are for Christmas and not general consumption.

It was noted that being a friend of the Official Mrs does not entitle anyone to comment on the size of anyone else's beer belly. Nor does it entitle anyone to help themselves to the Official Remote Control.

Item 2 - Defence Budget

It was agreed that the new Tom Tom Sat Nav procured for the Official Motor, was acquired under false pretences, following a misinterpretation of a mandate from the Official Mrs. Whilst being a useful aid when calling in an air strike, it was noted that it was of limited use on the school run, or when nipping to Tesco Express. The item will be placed on Ebay in the morning, the proceeds from the sale will be used to buy essential rations and a new AA road atlas.

It was agreed that if it sounded more Barry White and less like an all American cheer leader, we may have been allowed to keep it.

ACTION - Foxy

Item 3 - War Progress

A review of recent military activity was undertaken. It was noted that cross border infiltration by the KRA, DPC and the 1st Battalion The Moulton and Kingsmead Pikeys were being managed and disruption to village life was being effectively minimised.

Whilst there appears to be a lull in activity, it was noted that we need to remain vigilant and will be regularly checking for intelligence at the secret pub location.

The TITS, MUFF and CRAP will continue to train at the TWAT centre and maintain a high state of readiness.

It was again noted that being a mate of the Official Mrs does not entitle anyone to comment on the frequency of intelligence gathering exercises.

It was also noted that being married to the Official Mrs does not entitle anyone to be rude to anyone else that may be a guest of the Official Mrs.

ACTION - Foxy

Item 4 - Training

We are considering asking if the British Army officer training establishment at Sandhurst can provide a distance learning course for the Official Nipper. We would like to balance ballet classes with weapon appreciation, camouflage techniques and advanced field craft. We are also considering writing to the Early Learning Centre to voice our disgust at the lack of defence related learning aids.

The DPPF leadership have also sanctioned £40 (subject to recouping misappropriated funds), for a trip with the Official Middle nipper to 'Lazer Quest' for some urban combat training.

It was noted that any recurrence of the incident in 2005 where 14 children were mysteriously found bound and gagged at end of the training would not be tolerated, even if it was nothing to do with Foxy and the Official Middle Nipper.

ACTION - Foxy

AOB

We have received a letter from our bank regarding a loan application for a Challenger tank. The bank manager has suggested that it would not be a sound business proposition to lend us the £4 million we requested. However, they suggested that if we were to raise say £3,999,600 they would be happy to help with the £400 shortfall.

We shall be checking our credit rating in the morning.

Spray It Again Sam

We were woken from official slumber in the early hours of this morning by the sound of a high speed zimmer frame clunking its way down our garden path. Initial investigations revealed nothing except for an empty bag of Murray Mints, a bus pass, some Trill (Budgie food) and a full colostomy bag. Having returned to our pit and the comfort of our freshly laundered full combat PJ's, we were able to get a good nights kip. Imagine our surprise when we were woken at 05:30hrs by a scream from the Official Teenager, who instead of being in a trance holding her straighteners (as is the norm for 2 hours every morning), was paralysed with fear behind a poster of Kurt Cobain.

It would appear that we have been 'Tagged'.

Our garden wall yesterday

All the evidence points to a strike by the DPC. We will be sending the contents of the colostomy bag to Dr Gillian McKeith for stool analysis and a possible DNA match. Needless to say we will be convening an emergency cabinet in the morning to formulate a response.

Disco Inferno

They're at it again!

We have just returned from infiltrating a meeting of the DPC (a full transcript of the meeting will follow once we have consulted the DPPF Official Legal Advisor).

The DPC Yesterday

We managed to gain access posing as geriatric nurses, the meeting has been secretly filmed and we will be posting it on the Benny Hill fan club's forum later this evening.

The DPC are planning to build an incinerator in the heart of the village. No doubt inspired by events elsewhere in Northwich, they have proposed a motion to construct a facility on that bit of waste ground next to the hair dressers.

Preliminary plans are to burn the 6.4 tons of dog turds deposited on Butchers Stile and Laburnum Field every day. The capacity will be expanded at a later date to include the 13.4 million tons of waste generated daily by Bargain Booze.

Needless to say, we will be defending the interests of the village by forming a new division of the DPPF. The Trainee Incinerator Thwarter Squadron (T.I.T.S) will begin training in the morning. We will also be issuing a gas mask to each of the Official Nippers and a couple of cans of pine scented Nicky Clarke volumising hair spray to the unfortunate hairdressers.

The Proposed £260 million Incinerator Yesterday

Know Your Enemy #4 - Moulton

Following recent revelations about our neighbours to the south, we have been doing some research and have uncovered some astonishing facts about the bogey eaters. Here is a quick and dirty top ten things that you probably didn't know (or care enough to find out).

1. 872 people live in Moulton, the rest are dead and only come out after midnight.
   
   
2. Moulton has a higher chav density than Kingsmead. Like Kingsmead, it is a net exporter of chavs into Davenham.
   
   
3. There are more pre 1985 BMW's in Moulton than anywhere else in the world.
   
   
4. The village dates back to the iron age. Many people that live there come from a long line of cousins.
   
   
5. Villagers were recently delighted when they found out that Bin what's his name was moving to the village. This would have been the first time that the depth of the gene pool had doubled since a German pilot crashed there in 1942.
   
   
6. People often think that the village is a haven for Scottish refugees, the Jocks in question are in fact descendants of the German pilot, who is still alive and drinks in the British Legion. After several pints, och aye turns to achtung.
   
   
7. ITV's Coronation Street is filmed on Regent Street every Wednesday and Friday.
   
   
8. The beer prices at the Travellers Rest have been frozen since 1976 when they last restocked the cellar.
   
   
9. The main industry in Moulton is welding bits of cars together.
   
   
10. Moulton has only one famous son. Tim Burgess was the lead singer with 70's beat combo Allied Carpets.
    
    

Some people from Moulton yesterday

Stone The Crows

The DPPF undercover unit have uncovered sinister going's on with one of our neighbours. While we have been conducting operations against our stated enemies, we have neglected the fact the Moulton has become a training ground for paramilitaries. We have always been wary of declaring all out war on the village because -

• One of our favourite Aunts lives there.
• There are a couple of people that we know that could probably 'have us' in a proper fight.
• Bin what's his name might take the hump.
• They have a real tank.
• The Official Nipper goes to play group there.

However, following tonight's meeting of the war council, we have decided we cannot tolerate a training ground for inter-village terrorists on our door step. Our undercover agent in Moulton has sent us this picture of one of their summer training camps. They call themselves 'The Crowmen'.

Moulton Militia Yesterday

They dress in black and cover their faces with a mask sporting a razor sharp Tungsten 'beak', which they are trained to kill and butter scones.

To counter the growing threat, we will be sanctioning a change of role for the DPPF Mountain and Urban Fighting Force (MUFF). They will now be known as the Crow Reconnaissance Advanced Party (CRAP). Standing orders and rules of engagement will be will be scribbled onto the back of a fag packet in the morning, after we have checked to see if Wurzel Gummidge is still alive.