Duke of Earl

Despite leaving handy hints all over the flaming internets, we didn't get a leaf blower or any of our wish list for Christmas. Even though we spared no expense on lavish gifts for the Official Mrs. Including support tights, a back up air freshner for the Official Monkey Bus (pine) and a stitch counter that fits onto the end of a knitting needle. All we got was a coal scuttle, embossed with a horses head and nose hair strimmer. Oh, and a massive Toblerone.

This leaves the spring offensive in some doubt. Unless we can find the receipt for the scuttle and get the cash back we will be unable to equip and mobilise the necessary forces to invade Kingsmead, snuff out the growing threat from the First Batallion the Kingsmead Chavs and establish a kebab shop in Davenham Village.

We have decided that whilst the Toblerone is big enough to support a small troop of well armed foot soldiers and that a neatly trimmed nostril is good field hygeine, we can't go into battle swinging a coal scuttle. We need to raise cash - and quickly. We will therefore be seaking sponsorship from American toy giants Hasbro - Makers of the GI Joe toy range. Duke, from the Sigma 6 range will form the blue print for equiping our troops.

Although he is American and therefore cleary a mentalist, he comes with an impressive range of equipment.

We particularly like the grappling hook launcher as it can be used to gain us access to the top of Tesco Express and command an impressive arc of fire for the thing at the bottom of the picture that fires a nice green tipped stick.

We also like the shades and reckon we could probably convince Victoria Beckham to leave David if we were to bump into her with them on. We'd obviously then dump her because she's a minger in the flesh (according to the Official Mrs).

In time of peace, the enlarged holsters would probably allow us to carry two large chicken kebabs back home after a few scoops at the secret pub location.

We shall be writing to Hasbro first thing in the morning.