Garden Tools That Can Be Used As Weapons # 1

The Leaf Blower

'Leaves come from trees. Some trees like their leaves and others get fed up with theirs every autum. There are a number of ways to deal with trees that don't like leaves. Simplest is to chop the tree down, if you can't do that because someone has tied themself to it, you will need to remove ALL the branches and replace them with evergreen ones. These can be obtained from garden shops in the tree section. If the problem tree is beyond your borders and can't be treated for leaf droppage, you will need to do something else.' - Alan Tichmarsh

Cheers Al. We have been informed by the Official Mrs that, unlike in America, we can't have a gun for Christmas. This gives us a problem in tooling up for the planned spring offensive. So, we have been thinking about teching up our tool kit with offensive options. First on our shopping list is a leaf blower like this one -

This little beauty is the Shindaiwa EB8510. It has an 80cc engine producing a nozzle velocity of 224 mph. This is more powerful than a huricane. We reckon that it can be adapted to deliver a range of projectiles. We have calculated that an object with a mass of 1kg traveling at 224mph would knock down 4 chavs standing in a line. Big, Bad, and Blue. The Shindaiwa EB8510 is one of the most powerful 4-stroke backpack blowers on the market today. Features include -

• Comfortable padded straps and back pad made of tough, breathable nylon. Round, compact design reduces snagging.
• Convenient rapid-fire pistol grip throttle control mechanism with cruise control (RT model only).
• Throttle cruise control for sustained “hands-off” operation (RT model only).
• Chrome plated cylinder with 2-ring piston design.
• Tool-free easy access, 2-staged air filter system with extra large surface area.
• Excellent fuel economy – about 20% better vs equivalent 2-stroke model.
• Business as usual with 50:1 mix – No dipstick!
• Can be fitted with a special lazer sight.
• Can be used to deliver ordinance over a long range.

The Shindaiwa EB8510RT features a pistol-grip throttle control handle with cruise control, adjustable angle, and a special “Hush Mode” feature that allows quiet operation in noise sensitive areas.

Sounds ideal and a snip at £368. That's 216 pairs of socks from Next, or 368 initialed snot rags from Matalan. We will be having a word with the Official Mrs in the morning.

Rebel Without A Clue

We have been receiving threats from a faction claiming to be affiliated to the DPC. Things have become so scary that Foxy is having to taste all the food and drink in the house before it can be considered safe for the Official Nippers and Mrs. This is particularly bad as we enter the festive season and the place is swollen with contraband.


In these threats, the perpetrator claims that he has been paid to 'take us out', we have suggested that a trip to a local panto would be most welcome. We have also received a video detailing our crimes. On closer inspection, we reckon that this person lives on Kingsmead and is actually a member of the KRA. We have taken the liberty of producing a still from the video.

Anyone seeing this man in Davenham should not approach him, he is armed and clearly dangerous. We just hope that he washed his mums tights before filming.

We will be sending our evidence to the internet ombudsman in the morning.