Press Release - Foxy Update

A couple of months ago Foxy was kidnapped and imprisoned by the DPC for exposing their evil intent. We have continued to fight for his unconditional release from this illegal incarceration and have involved both Trevor Macdonald and that welsh weather girl that went out with the bloke is giving the cheeky twins a seeing too.

We believe he is being held against his will in a location on Kingsmead and being made to lick envelopes for 23 hours a day without a drink or a Playstation.

We have been contacted by ex SAS TV (Television not Transvestite) celebrity Andy McNab who has offered to help by rescuing Foxy and hiding out with him until the coast is clear. However, we have declined his offer after taking reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt him down. Actually, why didn't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the twat quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.

The Official DPPF Mrs has asked us to release the following statement -

'Foxy has been missing in action for some time now, the grass is knee length and greenfly have taken over some of the plant things. The Official Nippers ask after him at least once a month and the bathroom smells a lot better. If anyone would like to voluteer to help recue him sometime after the Olympics, please get in touch. We need him out for my birthday in October because I'm going away with the girls and can't get a baby sitter.'

The DPC and (we suspect) the KRA have released a picture

Foxy at some point in the past

Anyone that has heard noises like a pig squealing until late in the night anywhere on Kingsmead should contact us and we will kick some serious mock tudor/UPV door in.

Pets That Can Be Used As Weapons #1 - Corner Kitty.

The Official Nipper wants a cat. We reckon we could find room for one now that Prescott has been 'exported'. Ever mindful that we need to consider options to expand our offensive capability for the forthcoming spring offensive, we have been looking at pet/weapon combinations. Kitty Cornershot would appear to have all the attributes that we are looking for.

1. It is a cat
2. It is a weapon.

We need now to establish the following facts before we consider a purchase.

1. Is it machine washable.
2. Do they do a Manx version as we don't want the tail tickling our nose and making us sneeze at the exact moment that we release a round. This could result in a friendly fire type incident.
3. Do you insert the barrel into the 'cat flap' or does it go underneath. If it's the former, we don't want one.
4. Can it be used for everyday pest control as well as hunting Kingsmeadian chavs.
5. Do they do a Staffordshire Bull Terrier version to attract Kingsmedian chavs.
6. Does the cat conform to all current safety standard and can you choke on the eyes if they fall off or the Official Nipper bites them off.
7. Can it be recycled (Official Teenager).

Subject to satisfactory answers to the above, we will be talking to the Yanks in the morning. With any luck we should be able to take delivery in time for the Spring/Summer* Offensive.

* The actual timing of the offensive is unsure at the moment due to a requirement to cut the grass and paint the Official Shed.

Edit - Looks like we have an answer to the cat flap conundrum.

Lip Up Fatty

Prescott, the Official DPPF pooch has got to go. We need to find him a new home because we can't afford to feed the fat pig. He has taken to eating vast quantities of Haribo and Flumps. We keep catching the rascal begging outside the Spa shop and licking up diesel spillages. Despite walking all the way over to Kingsmead every day for a dump, he is still gaining weight. We called into the Arc veterinary surgery on Kingsmead the other day, they had no idea how to deal with him. They said they are only used to seeing Poodles, Pit Bull Terriers and Cockney Sparrows.

We have decided to release him into the wild. The plan is to paint him dark grey, cut off his legs half way up, hammer the stumps flat and release him into a colony of Walrus. He will then be able to start a family of his own. That's if any Warlrus lady can stand the smell of his diesel breath.

Prescott Yesterday

Cooking Equipment That Can Be Used As Weapons - The Turkey Cannon

We reckon that a Turkey traveling somewhere between the speed of sound and warp factor 1 would make a formidable secret weapon. Using our trusted 'line of chavs' weapons testing theory, we have managed to calculate that for the given velocities an 8 pound balistic butterball should take out between 72 and 26,141 sequential chavs and possibly penetrate the most heavily modified Saxo. Indeed, it could be argued that, by developing an advanced range of stuffings, the humble fowl could be used to deliver anything from sage and onion to a full nuclear payload.

Hands up to those pesky yanks for developing the Turkey Cannon.

A Turkey Cannon yesterday

The ruse is that the tube is filled with booze and inserted up the birds Gary Glitter. When cooked in the oven, or on the BBQ, the liquid serves to keep the birds inner sanctum moist.

We reckon that if the tube is filled with 2:1 stoichiometric mixture of hydrogen and oxygen and then heated, the resulting explosion should propell the poultry at a respectable velocity.

We may even invite the UN weapons inspectors round in the summer and they can watch while we stuff our booze filled probe into our bird and give it a good roasting in the garden.

We shall be trying to work out what $18.99c is in real money in the morning. Oh, and where we can get some hydrogen from.

Money, Money, Money - Must Be Funny.

As ABBA once said -

Now we're old and grey fernando
And since many years I havent seen a rifle in your hand
Can you hear the drums fernando?
Do you still recall the frightful night we crossed the rio grande?
I can see it in your eyes
How proud you were to fight for freedom in this land.

Brought a tear to our eye when we heard that on Wogan this morning. And it got us thinking about the war to free Davenham. Cash reserves are at an all time low and the troops are demoralised. We have had a chat with the Official Mrs and looked down the back of all the seats. We found 62p, two hair clips, 4 toe nails, a biro, and a crisp. The Official Mrs didn't talk back and is holding on to her purse tighter than a tramp clinging to the last can of Special Brew in the world.

The whole situation is seriously jeopardising the planned spring offensive to free Davenham once and for all and rid ourselves of the evil scurge that is Kingsmead and the DPC.

We may need to resort to desparate means to secure the funding we need. For now we are going to concentrate on peaceful methods and intend to start with an appeal to a very kind offer in the Northwich Guardian. They are offering cash to worthy causes such as ours and have gone to great lengths to describe us in the criteria they set down. If anyone out there cares, please add your weight to our appeal. They cannot ignore us forever!!

FREEDOM FOR DAVENHAM - CLICKERTY CLICK FOR CASH

United we stand.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Whilst out on manouvers over the weekend, we were accidentally kidnapped by aliens and forced to take part in cruel experiments that lasted into the small hours of Sunday morning. We are convinced that we were given a 'mind wipe' resulting in total memory loss, a lack of co-ordination and a really bad head ache. The theiving alien scum also nicked the official mobile phone and all our cash. We were deposited outside the front door of DPPF HQ in a state of severe dehydation, malnurishment and FDKD (front door key deficiency).

Needless to say, we are now in an advanced state of severe trouble. Despite producing evidence of the existence of alien kidnappers and appologising for their actions, we have triggered another bout of radio silence from the Official Mrs. Worse still, we have also triggered rationing of WWII proportions. We have been informed that we will not be enjoying any of this for some time -

Any of this is completely out of the question-

It's probably the last time we will be enjoying these for a considerable length of time -

We shall therefore be concentrating on plans for the spring offensive and developing a strategy to ensure a timely return to full rations.

We reckon some flowers from the garage and a Robbie Williams CD should do the trick.

Bin Around The World

The DPPF Middle Eastern correspondent Odear Bin Lardarse has been in touch to warn us that we may have to ready our defences in preparation for an invasion by the Americans. Apparently, friendly granny Jane Felix-Spamcatfood from Moulton has decided to move her new husband into her pad in the village. Where others have objected, we say 'fair play' to her. The fuss is to do with the lads old fella and his involvement in some bad stuff that been happening outside of Davenham. The yanks reckon he might know where his dad is and therefore will be keeping an eye on him. This is him, we reckon he's mad knocking about with that Morticia from the Adams family.



We are planning to cash in on the influx of CIA into Moulton by opening a shop selling chewing gum, black suits, sunglasses, pop corn, burgers, guns and watery beer.

Omar (that's his name) also reckons that he would hide his old man from Bush - sound advice looking at Morticia!

We will be writing to Wal-Mart in the morning.

Small Faeces - Itchy Poo Park - Def Con 6 (and flashing).

One of our observers has noted an increase in germ warfare activities by the KRA. Apparently, they have been using cattle trucks to ship their pet pooches over the A556 to Davenham to deposit digested Christmas left overs. The scale of the problem is such that the residents of Hartford Road and Church Street are unable to open their doors due to huge mounds of dog excrement.

A recent estimate has quantified the scale of the problem at around 14.26 metric tons of poop being deposited on a daily basis. Of the 14.26 tons, 5 tons (or nearly half) is believed to be infested with Anthrax and the remainder contains Phosgene (a type of worm). It is believed that the problem stems from an inherent design fault found in the modern canine. A graph has shown that the modern canine's storage capacity has been reduced by 50% over the last 5 years, a direct result of a FIFTEEN fold increase in the amount of Bifidus Digestivum in modern yoghurt.

We have decided that enough is enough. We have contacted the DPC and sent samples that we have collected in the official DPPF pooper scooper (a converted coal scuttle). We have demanded an immediate cessation of this action as it clearly contravenes the Genoa Convention.

In measures to counter the problem, we will be introducing the latest member of the DPPF to the conflict. We have a new dog of our own, we were only going to keep it for Christmas, but we may now keep it until Easter, his name is Pescott.

Prescott yesterday

Prescott has been genetically modified an can eat 46 kilo's of Tesco value dog food a day. He also has a retention capacity of 15 days. When he is nice and full, we are going to take him over the road for a walk.

Duke of Earl

Despite leaving handy hints all over the flaming internets, we didn't get a leaf blower or any of our wish list for Christmas. Even though we spared no expense on lavish gifts for the Official Mrs. Including support tights, a back up air freshner for the Official Monkey Bus (pine) and a stitch counter that fits onto the end of a knitting needle. All we got was a coal scuttle, embossed with a horses head and nose hair strimmer. Oh, and a massive Toblerone.

This leaves the spring offensive in some doubt. Unless we can find the receipt for the scuttle and get the cash back we will be unable to equip and mobilise the necessary forces to invade Kingsmead, snuff out the growing threat from the First Batallion the Kingsmead Chavs and establish a kebab shop in Davenham Village.

We have decided that whilst the Toblerone is big enough to support a small troop of well armed foot soldiers and that a neatly trimmed nostril is good field hygeine, we can't go into battle swinging a coal scuttle. We need to raise cash - and quickly. We will therefore be seaking sponsorship from American toy giants Hasbro - Makers of the GI Joe toy range. Duke, from the Sigma 6 range will form the blue print for equiping our troops.

Although he is American and therefore cleary a mentalist, he comes with an impressive range of equipment.

We particularly like the grappling hook launcher as it can be used to gain us access to the top of Tesco Express and command an impressive arc of fire for the thing at the bottom of the picture that fires a nice green tipped stick.

We also like the shades and reckon we could probably convince Victoria Beckham to leave David if we were to bump into her with them on. We'd obviously then dump her because she's a minger in the flesh (according to the Official Mrs).

In time of peace, the enlarged holsters would probably allow us to carry two large chicken kebabs back home after a few scoops at the secret pub location.

We shall be writing to Hasbro first thing in the morning.

Santa Claus - An Open Letter

Dear Santa,

We have been very good this year. Our booze intake is back in line with the national average and we have finished decorating the hall, stairs and landing. We have also been nice to the Official Nippers and their spotty mates. We have stopped breaking wind at the table during meals and asking people to pull our finger. Showers are currently running at an average of two per week and we have been using our mouth wash. Toe nail clippings are a thing of the past as is the fungal infection. We would be delighted if you could see your way to delivering the following to DPPF headquarters this Christmas.

1. A flame thrower.
2. A bag truck and Hanibal Lecter mask.
3. A new razor with 6 blades.
4. Keira Knightley.
5. A foot spa.
6. A Jamie Oliver's toungue draft excluder.
7. The Warriors on DVD.
8. Some live chickens and a hutch.
9. A multi function combined remote control for the telly/DVD/digibox etc. With a built in cattle prod.
10. Some white ear phones so we can pretend we have an i Pod.

Also, if you could deliver a case of 12 mixed white and red this week, before the Official Mrs does a stock take. We would be very happy to leave the usual large sherry and a copy of Razzle for your trouble.

Foxy

Commander In Chief DPPF

Garden Tools That Can Be Used As Weapons # 1

The Leaf Blower

'Leaves come from trees. Some trees like their leaves and others get fed up with theirs every autum. There are a number of ways to deal with trees that don't like leaves. Simplest is to chop the tree down, if you can't do that because someone has tied themself to it, you will need to remove ALL the branches and replace them with evergreen ones. These can be obtained from garden shops in the tree section. If the problem tree is beyond your borders and can't be treated for leaf droppage, you will need to do something else.' - Alan Tichmarsh

Cheers Al. We have been informed by the Official Mrs that, unlike in America, we can't have a gun for Christmas. This gives us a problem in tooling up for the planned spring offensive. So, we have been thinking about teching up our tool kit with offensive options. First on our shopping list is a leaf blower like this one -

This little beauty is the Shindaiwa EB8510. It has an 80cc engine producing a nozzle velocity of 224 mph. This is more powerful than a huricane. We reckon that it can be adapted to deliver a range of projectiles. We have calculated that an object with a mass of 1kg traveling at 224mph would knock down 4 chavs standing in a line. Big, Bad, and Blue. The Shindaiwa EB8510 is one of the most powerful 4-stroke backpack blowers on the market today. Features include -

• Comfortable padded straps and back pad made of tough, breathable nylon. Round, compact design reduces snagging.
• Convenient rapid-fire pistol grip throttle control mechanism with cruise control (RT model only).
• Throttle cruise control for sustained “hands-off” operation (RT model only).
• Chrome plated cylinder with 2-ring piston design.
• Tool-free easy access, 2-staged air filter system with extra large surface area.
• Excellent fuel economy – about 20% better vs equivalent 2-stroke model.
• Business as usual with 50:1 mix – No dipstick!
• Can be fitted with a special lazer sight.
• Can be used to deliver ordinance over a long range.

The Shindaiwa EB8510RT features a pistol-grip throttle control handle with cruise control, adjustable angle, and a special “Hush Mode” feature that allows quiet operation in noise sensitive areas.

Sounds ideal and a snip at £368. That's 216 pairs of socks from Next, or 368 initialed snot rags from Matalan. We will be having a word with the Official Mrs in the morning.

Rebel Without A Clue

We have been receiving threats from a faction claiming to be affiliated to the DPC. Things have become so scary that Foxy is having to taste all the food and drink in the house before it can be considered safe for the Official Nippers and Mrs. This is particularly bad as we enter the festive season and the place is swollen with contraband.


In these threats, the perpetrator claims that he has been paid to 'take us out', we have suggested that a trip to a local panto would be most welcome. We have also received a video detailing our crimes. On closer inspection, we reckon that this person lives on Kingsmead and is actually a member of the KRA. We have taken the liberty of producing a still from the video.

Anyone seeing this man in Davenham should not approach him, he is armed and clearly dangerous. We just hope that he washed his mums tights before filming.

We will be sending our evidence to the internet ombudsman in the morning.

If It's Not Love, Then It's The Bomb That Will Bring Us Together

We have been listening to The Smiths and have to take exception with Morrissey over the lyrics to his song 'Ask'. The Americans ran some experiments with bombs recently, and instead of bringing people together, they were actually blown apart - FACT!

Those pesky Russians are also messing about with bombs and some old planes. They are apparently flexing their military muscles and regularly probing Britain's air defences. This almost certainly means that they are going to blow us all up. As Morrissey also once said about his comatose Mrs - 'it's serious'.

In order to counter this growing threat we will be declaring the village a Nuclear Free Zone. Manchester City Council declared the city such in 1980 and our research has shown that no atom bombs have gone off there since. Ipso Facto.

Mr T is backing the campaign.

Mr T Yesterday

Franks For The Memories

In our quest for knowledge, we have been researching war and collecting memorabilia. We recently acquired this little gem from a German on e-bay. Its a bona fide certified genuine copy of Anne Frank's diary. We only paid £40 for it, we are going to put it in a glass case and give it to the official Mrs for Christmas, she'll be that chuffed we will probably get a 'result'. (click pic for embiggerment)

Our pride and joy yesterday.

Video Killed The Radio Star

While their is a lull in cross border infiltrations, we have decided to entertain ourselves by making a set of Top Trump cards of local civic dignitaries. First in the series is that artful dodger Ronald McDonald of the VRBC.

Name - Ronald McDonald
Occupation - Burger Flipper

Toryness................................4/5
Labouryness..........................1/5
Greenyness......................-742/5
Intellect...................................0/5
Popularity..............................-8/5
Political Ability......................-2/5
No of Mates...............................0

We were worried that he may be nasty in our comments, but we reckon he probably can't type.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered

Being as those ungrateful wretches on the Kingsmill estate didn't take us up on the offer of a new sign for the spine road, we have decided to offer our services to those lovable geriatric rogues at the DPC. Though quite why we should after they sprayed a knob on our wall is beyond us. We have consulted with Itchy and Satchi and we have managed to come up with a design. The brief that we gave them was to imagineer a new logo for the DPC that captured their essence, penetrated through to their core values and made a bold statement about the service that they provide.

This is their initial stab - we like it.

We reckon this should get us say £20 knocked of our poll tax. We will be writing to them in the morning.

DPPF - War Cabinet - Meeting Minutes #3

Those Present

Foxy, The Official Nipper, The Official DPPF Mrs, some interfering woman from down the road.

Apologies

The Official DPPF Teenager (out with spotty mate teenager), The Official DPPF Middle Nipper (finals of the world Top Trump championship).

Item 1 - Refreshments

Due to a severe balance of payments deficit, resulting from a misinterpretation of the words 'Oh do what the hell you like', rations for the meeting are restricted to 'something from the cupboard', and any wines or spirits that may or may not be hidden in the wardrobe are for Christmas and not general consumption.

It was noted that being a friend of the Official Mrs does not entitle anyone to comment on the size of anyone else's beer belly. Nor does it entitle anyone to help themselves to the Official Remote Control.

Item 2 - Defence Budget

It was agreed that the new Tom Tom Sat Nav procured for the Official Motor, was acquired under false pretences, following a misinterpretation of a mandate from the Official Mrs. Whilst being a useful aid when calling in an air strike, it was noted that it was of limited use on the school run, or when nipping to Tesco Express. The item will be placed on Ebay in the morning, the proceeds from the sale will be used to buy essential rations and a new AA road atlas.

It was agreed that if it sounded more Barry White and less like an all American cheer leader, we may have been allowed to keep it.

ACTION - Foxy

Item 3 - War Progress

A review of recent military activity was undertaken. It was noted that cross border infiltration by the KRA, DPC and the 1st Battalion The Moulton and Kingsmead Pikeys were being managed and disruption to village life was being effectively minimised.

Whilst there appears to be a lull in activity, it was noted that we need to remain vigilant and will be regularly checking for intelligence at the secret pub location.

The TITS, MUFF and CRAP will continue to train at the TWAT centre and maintain a high state of readiness.

It was again noted that being a mate of the Official Mrs does not entitle anyone to comment on the frequency of intelligence gathering exercises.

It was also noted that being married to the Official Mrs does not entitle anyone to be rude to anyone else that may be a guest of the Official Mrs.

ACTION - Foxy

Item 4 - Training

We are considering asking if the British Army officer training establishment at Sandhurst can provide a distance learning course for the Official Nipper. We would like to balance ballet classes with weapon appreciation, camouflage techniques and advanced field craft. We are also considering writing to the Early Learning Centre to voice our disgust at the lack of defence related learning aids.

The DPPF leadership have also sanctioned £40 (subject to recouping misappropriated funds), for a trip with the Official Middle nipper to 'Lazer Quest' for some urban combat training.

It was noted that any recurrence of the incident in 2005 where 14 children were mysteriously found bound and gagged at end of the training would not be tolerated, even if it was nothing to do with Foxy and the Official Middle Nipper.

ACTION - Foxy

AOB

We have received a letter from our bank regarding a loan application for a Challenger tank. The bank manager has suggested that it would not be a sound business proposition to lend us the £4 million we requested. However, they suggested that if we were to raise say £3,999,600 they would be happy to help with the £400 shortfall.

We shall be checking our credit rating in the morning.

Spray It Again Sam

We were woken from official slumber in the early hours of this morning by the sound of a high speed zimmer frame clunking its way down our garden path. Initial investigations revealed nothing except for an empty bag of Murray Mints, a bus pass, some Trill (Budgie food) and a full colostomy bag. Having returned to our pit and the comfort of our freshly laundered full combat PJ's, we were able to get a good nights kip. Imagine our surprise when we were woken at 05:30hrs by a scream from the Official Teenager, who instead of being in a trance holding her straighteners (as is the norm for 2 hours every morning), was paralysed with fear behind a poster of Kurt Cobain.

It would appear that we have been 'Tagged'.

Our garden wall yesterday

All the evidence points to a strike by the DPC. We will be sending the contents of the colostomy bag to Dr Gillian McKeith for stool analysis and a possible DNA match. Needless to say we will be convening an emergency cabinet in the morning to formulate a response.

Disco Inferno

They're at it again!

We have just returned from infiltrating a meeting of the DPC (a full transcript of the meeting will follow once we have consulted the DPPF Official Legal Advisor).

The DPC Yesterday

We managed to gain access posing as geriatric nurses, the meeting has been secretly filmed and we will be posting it on the Benny Hill fan club's forum later this evening.

The DPC are planning to build an incinerator in the heart of the village. No doubt inspired by events elsewhere in Northwich, they have proposed a motion to construct a facility on that bit of waste ground next to the hair dressers.

Preliminary plans are to burn the 6.4 tons of dog turds deposited on Butchers Stile and Laburnum Field every day. The capacity will be expanded at a later date to include the 13.4 million tons of waste generated daily by Bargain Booze.

Needless to say, we will be defending the interests of the village by forming a new division of the DPPF. The Trainee Incinerator Thwarter Squadron (T.I.T.S) will begin training in the morning. We will also be issuing a gas mask to each of the Official Nippers and a couple of cans of pine scented Nicky Clarke volumising hair spray to the unfortunate hairdressers.

The Proposed £260 million Incinerator Yesterday

Know Your Enemy #4 - Moulton

Following recent revelations about our neighbours to the south, we have been doing some research and have uncovered some astonishing facts about the bogey eaters. Here is a quick and dirty top ten things that you probably didn't know (or care enough to find out).

1. 872 people live in Moulton, the rest are dead and only come out after midnight.
   
   
2. Moulton has a higher chav density than Kingsmead. Like Kingsmead, it is a net exporter of chavs into Davenham.
   
   
3. There are more pre 1985 BMW's in Moulton than anywhere else in the world.
   
   
4. The village dates back to the iron age. Many people that live there come from a long line of cousins.
   
   
5. Villagers were recently delighted when they found out that Bin what's his name was moving to the village. This would have been the first time that the depth of the gene pool had doubled since a German pilot crashed there in 1942.
   
   
6. People often think that the village is a haven for Scottish refugees, the Jocks in question are in fact descendants of the German pilot, who is still alive and drinks in the British Legion. After several pints, och aye turns to achtung.
   
   
7. ITV's Coronation Street is filmed on Regent Street every Wednesday and Friday.
   
   
8. The beer prices at the Travellers Rest have been frozen since 1976 when they last restocked the cellar.
   
   
9. The main industry in Moulton is welding bits of cars together.
   
   
10. Moulton has only one famous son. Tim Burgess was the lead singer with 70's beat combo Allied Carpets.
    
    

Some people from Moulton yesterday

Stone The Crows

The DPPF undercover unit have uncovered sinister going's on with one of our neighbours. While we have been conducting operations against our stated enemies, we have neglected the fact the Moulton has become a training ground for paramilitaries. We have always been wary of declaring all out war on the village because -

• One of our favourite Aunts lives there.
• There are a couple of people that we know that could probably 'have us' in a proper fight.
• Bin what's his name might take the hump.
• They have a real tank.
• The Official Nipper goes to play group there.

However, following tonight's meeting of the war council, we have decided we cannot tolerate a training ground for inter-village terrorists on our door step. Our undercover agent in Moulton has sent us this picture of one of their summer training camps. They call themselves 'The Crowmen'.

Moulton Militia Yesterday

They dress in black and cover their faces with a mask sporting a razor sharp Tungsten 'beak', which they are trained to kill and butter scones.

To counter the growing threat, we will be sanctioning a change of role for the DPPF Mountain and Urban Fighting Force (MUFF). They will now be known as the Crow Reconnaissance Advanced Party (CRAP). Standing orders and rules of engagement will be will be scribbled onto the back of a fag packet in the morning, after we have checked to see if Wurzel Gummidge is still alive.

Friggin in the Rigging!

While examining our flanks during an early morning strategic defence review with the Official DPPF Mrs at the weekend, we decided that this years Brucie Bonus from the Official Employer should be spent on the following.

1. A new Epilady for the Official DPPF Mrs's flanks.

2. A massive boat with loads of guns and some depth charges.

We have sanctioned £19.99 to be spent procuring item one from E-Bay. We have also managed to strike a deal with the Royal Navy for a Type 4 Frigate. The Frigate is to patrol our water front on the River Weaver and protect our eastern flank.

We will be buying a bottle of Lambrusco from Bargain Booze this week and will be holding a naming ceremony by the Blue Bridge at the weekend. We are currently debating a name for our new flagship. After a heated debate we have chosen either HMS Carnage or HMS Fairy Princess .

We be contacting the Waterways to see if they can extend Vale Royal Locks and lend us a Dredger.

Our new ship yesterday

We shall be contacting the nice people at the rowing club to discuss the sole use of the river and the consequences of a torpedo strike on a coxed eight.

We shall also be contacting local anglers to discuss the effects of fouling our propellers with mono filament and the effects of a depth charge on a freshly ground baited swim.

Earwiging - DPPF Listening Post Report

We have insiders that work somewhere really sneaky. They have been earwigging on coded conversations between the KRA and the DPC. Here is a transcript of a recent conversation. Looks like the DPC have fallen out with the KRA.

As we don't want to fall foul of the data protection Nazi's, we will switch real names. Any correspondent of the DPC will be known as 'DPC', and any Correspondent of the KRA will be known as the 'KRA',

KRA - You lot at the DPC are rubbish. Our ponds smell, we have dead trees dropping leaves on our decking and our borders are looking like Anne Widdecombe's chin.

DPC - Sorry, we are having trouble justifying our existence, can we get back to you?

KRA - No, we will bin you and invade Davenham village on our own.

DPC - Don't do that. The DPPF are a bit scary and we are digging bunkers as we speak.

KRA - OK, we agree. What about the precept? It's a lot of money you know?

DPC - We don't know anything about that. Florida is nice though, isn't it?

KRA - Why are you all for Davenham village and not Kingsmead?

DPC - We're not, we are about to shaft them as well. Ask the residents of Laburnum Road.

KRA - Can we have our allotments then?

DPC - No.

KRA - Why not?

DPC - Because we have Alzheimers and can't remember. Give us a minute, we need a pee.

KRA - Whilst you are peeing our trees are dying.

DPC - What?

KRA - Trees!

DPC - Sort your own trees, We are thinking about how we can get on to the front page of the Daily Mail.

KRA - Were you elected to represent?

DPC - Cock off!

KRA - This is pointless!

DPC - Fancy at chat about the war?

KRA - No. We're taking this into our own hands. Leave us alone and go and shaft those poor people that live in Davenham.

DPC - OK, sod off you lot. Ding Ding, round one. Davenham is having it.

KRA - You are a bunch of idiots!

DPC - We don't care, we've got your money. You lot can cock off! We think, therefore we are!

Scary or what? - we are turning off our scanner now!

Oh, and never voting ever again!

Sign of The Times

The DPPF are a benevolent organisation and like to help out when we can. We found some tin sheet and some spare paint in the Official DPPF Shed this evening. We were going to use it to build a feature bar at the DPPF Headquarters. We were planning beer pumps, optics, a dart board, a card of KP dry roasted nuts, six different flavours of crisps (Walkers), a space invader machine, a one armed bandit, a framed picture of Foxy posing as a Matador that we brought back from Torremolinos last year and stools. However, we have decided that we need to expend these valuable resources on a new armoured wardrobe to house the Official DPPF Mrs's new undercover frocks that she blew this months defence budget on at TK Max. The good news is, we have some surplus so we made this for the KRA to replace the bent sign near the roundabout.



Sorry about the holes, the Official DPPF Teenager found the keys to the scooter. If someone has a wheelbarrow, we could drop it off in the morning.

CONTACT! - DPPF Press Department Statement

A joint foot patrol of forces from the DPPF and the LRDG tonight clashed with the combined forces of the KRA and the DPC. Whilst undertaking a sweep of village boundary along the A556, several members of the opposition forces opened fire on the DPPF/LRDG forces from behind a hedge on the Kingsmead side. Coalition forces were pinned down in an area to the east of Green Avenue and endured a sustained barrage of verbal abuse. Coalition forces retaliated by rallying and performing a robust counter attacking manoeuvre, involving pincers and running whilst shouting. Despite being out of breath and having muddy shoes, the coalition forces managed to force the KRA/DPC forces to retreat and would have captured a significant piece of KRA territory had the Official DPPF Mrs not called for a coalition retreat because dinner was on the table.

The Battlefield Today

Following the skirmish, coalition forces regrouped at a secret pub in the village. A head count revealed that there were no casualties.

Commander Foxy Freedom, who was likened to Colonel H Jones following the contact said from the secret pub location "We would like to pay tribute to the brave foot soldiers of the DPPF and the LRDG, some of whom will have to microwave their dinner when they get in. Needless to say, the Official DPPF Mrs will be maintaining radio silence until we apologise for missing dinner and bath time for the Official DPPF nipper. In times of conflict, sometime we need to make sacrifices".

Emergenct Meeting - DPPF Transport Committee

The Official DPPF Mrs called an emergency meeting this evening. Concerned about the environment, we have decided that a Humber Pig may adversely affect our carbon footprint and a tank of any sort may be difficult to reverse park. Parking is of particular concern given that the DPC are now dishing out death sentences for illegal parking. We have therefore decided that we will probably be buying one of these -

Some Scooters Yesterday

It's called a Scooter. It will do 300 miles to the gallon, is cheap to tax and insure, is air cooled (handy in times of drought) and has a 75mm recoilless cannon (ideal for clearing a parking space at Tesco Express). It has the power to catch and destroy even the most souped up Saxo and can be fitted with a side car for the DPPF nippers. We will be looking for a part exchange for the Official DPPF Austin Allegro, there may even be change for some nice gloves and a pair of comedy stick on furry ears for our helmet.

We will be writing to Phil Daniels and that nice Sting chap for tips on good scootering. We will not be contacting Leslie Ash, because she looks like a cod.

DPPF Transport Committee.

The Official DPPF Austin Allegro needs a new clutch, the cost of which is proving difficult to justify. This has prompted the DPPF to plan ahead. With the war reaching a crucial stage, it is essential that we 'tool up' for the forthcoming campaign. We have searched the web and having looked on
http://whatthemodernrevolutionarydrives.com we have short listed the following motors-

Aircon/full service history/one careful owner/floats/cup holder

Dealer serviced/flame-proof interior/6 speakers/first aid kit

Leather seats/walnut dash/air con/multi fuel engine/massive gun/smoke cannon

The Official DPPF Mrs has chipped in at the eleventh hour with a few pre requisites -

1. Does it have a vanity mirror
2. Does it have a system for alerting the DPPF when someone else is required to reverse park.
3. Does the interior match chocolate stains.
4. Has it got somewhere to hang smelly cardboard trees.
5. Is it happy doing 20mph in a 30mph zone.
6. Is it pink.

As an alternative, The Official DPPF Mrs has proposed the following may be more suitable.


We shall be seeking a section under the Mental Health Act in the morning.

Alert Level - RED AND FLASHING - Invasion immanent

The KRA are planning to invade Davenham and occupy one of our secret training facilities. Find out what they are up to and the DPPF official response by clicking here.

The DPPF have mounted hourly patrols in order to protect vital village facilities. We will also be popping into the pub regularly to gather intelligence. We are planning a robust counter invasion possibly on Wednesday when we will need to stock up on semi skimmed and jaffa cakes. We urge the people of Davenham to remain calm until we have contained the threat and reduced the state of alert to amber (non flashing) or green (flashing). Anyone going to Kingsmead for a kebab are advised to telephone an order through to the Caspian on Castle, free deliveries on orders over a tenner and enough donner meat to keep Vanessa Feltz on the bog for a month.

Fatty Feltz at the Caspian yesterday

Caspain Kebab House 01606 783303 - Official Kebab House to the DPPF

Training - Aircraft Recocnition

Having been buzzed twice by American drones since we had a few beers on Saturday, we have decided to train the nippers in aircraft recognition. It looks like some people have forgotten the first rule of the DPPF and have been blabbing to the yanks. USA special forces have been in our bin again and have planted extra booze bottles and specialist magazines. We are convinced that they are trying to divide and conquer the DPPF.

The people of Davenham have agreed to help in defending our sovereign territory and have agreed to keep an eye out. We are looking to appoint an official DPPF spotter. First prize to whoever recognises the following overhead hazards, is an official appointment and a medal.









Answers one to five in the comments please.

Nobby, you'd be best doing this on you own.

Strategic Defence Review #3

We have been forced to review our proposed defence network of drawbridges and the moat. Interest rates have been spiralling out of control and the DPPF's efforts to obtain a mortgage on them have proved 'frustrating'.

The official DPPF think tank have been up all night with a pencil, some paper and the Star Trek back catalogue. Captain Kirk's and even Chief Science Officer Spock's efforts were often thwarted by the appearance of alien 'force fields'. The Official DPPF's own Science Officer (The Official DPPF Middle Nipper), was a sceptic until this was discovered. The Israeli's have developed something of interest -



We intend to procure enough of these gadgets to form a defensive shroud around the village. If they can stop a missile at twice the speed of sound, they shouldn't have a problem stopping a Kingsmedian chav walking up London Road at 3mph, or a Nova/Saxo doing 80mph. We just need to check if the speed bumps interfere.

Our trade embargo with the Israeli's prevents us from buying directly, so we will be checking stock at Argos online in the morning.

DPPF - War Cabinet - Meeting Minutes #2

Those Present

Foxy, The Official DPPF cat.

Apologies

The Official DPPF Mrs (Bingo), The Offical DPPF Nipper (in bed), The Official DPPF Teenager (sulking in bedroom), The Official DPPF Middle Nipper (somewhere in outer space, courtesy of XBox 360).

Item 1 - Refreshments

The official DPPF Mrs has recognised the need for quality refreshments during times of war and has sanctioned 4x500ml of Stella Artois for the meeting. We have requisitioned a bag of Walkers cheese and onion from strategic reserves, along with a strawberry chuppachup.

Item 2 - The Official DPPF Poll

Number of votes - 10, Number in favour of continuing the war - 10. We have employed a top London based firm of statisticians to analyse the poll and they concluded that-

• 100% of people that expressed a preference wanted the war to continue.
• Extrapolating the result and comparing to the population of the village,they concluded that between 96.2% and 105.3% of people in the village also support the war.
• Having analysed voter profiles, they were able to conclude that everyone in Davenham thinks that the DPC, Kingsmeadians, Chavs and this years cast of Big Brother are a bunch of tossers.
  

Item 3 - UN Resolution 633694

Following our overwhelming mandate. We will be writing to the UN and suggesting that they come over here and say it to our faces, they can bring their mates as well. We are not scared of anyone in blue berets (Hmmm Betty), from Switzerland. However, we are preparing hiding places in case they send some Ghurka's.

Item 4 - Financial Report

Monies snatched from kids outside Bargain Booze has bolstered reserves to a respectable £254.98p. We are currently looking at ways of investing this in military hardware. On our shopping list are -

• A second hand B52, Vulcan bomber or a jump jet.
  
• Doppler radar.
• Hats.
• A tank (like that bloke from Moulton).
• A nuclear deterrent.
  
• Invisibility suits.
• Laser beams.
  

Item 5 - Training

Urine levels on Laburnum field have reduced significantly and construction of the DPPF assault course and Training With Advanced Techniques (T.W.A.T.) centre have recently reached their first milestone. We have constructed a scale model of Monte Casino from beer cans, bottles, used condoms and syringes. The DPPF Moutain and Urban Fighting Force (M.U.F.F.) will begin training at the weekend (weather permitting).

Item 6 - War Progress

Despite the DPPF's efforts to engage in dialogue with the DPC, VRBC, KLC, KFC and Teh Grauniad. None have chosen to respond. We have decided that once we have bought our first bomber, we will drop leaflets. People wishing to advertise kebab shops and takeaways should contact us at the usual address.

We have been in contact with a team of veteran Vietnamese tunnel builders. Plans are being drawn up to link local kebab shops and pubs with a series of tunnels and underground bunkers. We Have plans to furnish the bunkers with Sky TV and fridges. We are also looking into the possibility of a Spearmint Rhino type bunker with exclusive membership for freedom fighters.

AOB

The Official DPPF Mrs (back in from the bingo) would like it to be recorded that the tunnel and bunker system will closely monitored and may only be used for military purposes.

The Official DPPF Mrs has also requested a stock take of strategic rations and would like to know how the sanctioned 4 cans has resulted in 6 empties.

£3.80p to be diverted from the war chest for for spot cream for the Official DPPF Teenager.

We're Alright NOOOOWWWWWOOOOOOO!

The DPPF have (with sadness) learned of the resignation of one of the DPC's great characters. Councillor 'Wolfy' Coker has resigned due to the pressures of modern day political mediocrity and the endless fighting of worthless causes.

'Wolfy' Yesterday.

After discussions with the Official DPPF Mrs over a nice Malted Milk and a cup of PG this evening, we have decided to mark the occasion by touching up a damp patch in the hallway.

While we look for a brush and some masking tape, here are the great man's highlights.

• Err...
  
• Umm...
  
• Arh...
  

That appears to be that. See you Wolfy.

UN Resolution 633694

The UN have written to us expressing concern at the number of Kingsmedian refugees massing on the Kingsmead side of A556, seeking sanctuary within our borders.

The A556 yesterday

They have passed a mandate to introduce sanctions on the people of Davenham. The sanctions include -

• Banning the sale of aircraft.
• Restricting beer deliveries to the Oddies and the Bull.
• Introducing ID cards for use at Kngsmead shops, effectively cutting off kebab supplies to the village, or forcing us to go to the badlands for a late night snack.
• Placing Bargain Booze under martial law.
• Restrictions on medical supplies to the chemists, including Paracetamol, Rennies and E45.

The DPPF are a democratic organisation and have decided to hold a referendum. Please take the opportunity to vote. We will be delivering our results to the UN in a weeks time.

Hearts and Minds

We have launched a campaign to charm the media and win 'hearts and minds'. We have contacted the local spelling bee - Teh Notrhiwch Grauniad.

'We the nice people of Davenham are fighting a war, in between a bit of light weeding and general DIY. We are looking for recruits to join our ranks, if we don't get any we may start to conscript. Plans are in hand for fortification to the village and we plan to build a world class training centre at a secret location in Davenham. We have a clearly defined road map to full autonomy and plans for an independent kebab shop.

You are either with us or against us.

http://dppf.blogspot.com

We are available for interview after 8:30 when the kids are in bed and we have washed up.

PS. The Chronicle have offered a paid exclusive but we think they are rubbish.'

We look forward to them begging to be our mates.

Daisy, Daisy, Give Me Your Answer Do....

The DPPF are feeling sorry about the plight of the KRA (Kingsmead Residents Association). Apparently, the place is like a rubbish tip and is starting to look like a jungle. Many of them are unable to re-pay car loans and are having to trade in fur coats for underware, as they scrape together enough money to trim their borders.

The DPPF are primarily urban warriors. However, we occasionally take off our designer combats, remove our balaclava's, roll up our sleeves and lend a hand. We have decided to donate one of these from our armoury.

It's called a 'Daisy Cutter'. According to the instruction manual, they can clear most types of vegitation. Should help to keep the borders down a bit.

If anyone has a spare plane, we could drop it off in time for the weekend.

Know Your Enemy #3 - The Chav

Chavs?, friend or foe? A quick 10 facts from the DPPF Department of Social Services to help you decide.

1. There are no pockets in a real Chav track suit. Therefore, they keep their money tucked in their underpants. They can be observed checking their change between 20 and 60 times a minute.
   
2. Chavs share a number of physical similarities. Big ears, extra digits and acne are all caused as a result of swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
3. The Chav diet consists exclusively of chewing gum and fags.
   
4. Chavs often confuse tiny mobile phones for ghetto blasters.
5. The 'F' word appears often in Chav dialect. Linguists argue that the word is actually used as a form of punctuation.
6. There are between 4 and 9 Chavs in Davenham, Kingsmead is home to at least 26,000.
7. A riot was recently avoided in Northwich when Argos agreed not to close down the jewellery department.
8. The preferred form of protection during intercourse is a bus shelter.
9. Chavs are essentially a primitive anarchic culture that has yet to recognise or value the need for respect and law and order.
10. Female Chavs are generally orange in colour. Hair scraped back into a tight ponytail is known as a 'Kingsmead facelift'.

Reminder

The DAB have reminded us that we need to vote tonight for the VRBC. We will be giving spot prizes for the most emaginative spoiled paper.

We would have liked to have interviewed a few more candidates prior to the election. The DPC declined and our independant candidate can't find any of the internets anywhere. We couldn't be bothered to ask the Green party as they are all vegitarians and are busy knitting rafia jackets for their rescued mongrels.

Killing Fields

Now that the DPC's plan to turn Laburnum field into a breeding ground for the teenagers of Kingsmead and Leftwich has failed. The DPPF have decided to requisition the field for training purposes. We intend to build a state of the art facility to train young village conscripts in war craft.

Laburnum Field yesterday

We have opted for a phased approach.

Phase one is to drain the field so that our soldiers don't mess up their Rockports. The DPPF understand that the DPC estimate the cost of doing this to be in the order of £100,000. The official DPPF survey team have this week established that this can been done at zero cost. Recent analysis of surface water has shown that it contains 87.2% urine. The source of this urine has been traced back to Bargain Booze (the BB). We therefore intend to cut out the source of the flooding by standing outside the BB operational centre and offer to buy booze for all the under age kids that drink and urinate on the field and in Laburnum Road. Once we have taken the money we plan to run off with it. This cuts out the source of the contamination and along with our plan to recycle all the glass and beer cans on the field, funds phase 2.

Phase 2 will be the construction of a Krypton Factor type assault course, we have written to Gordon Burns for design ideas. We intend to seek sponsorship for its upkeep from local businesses such as the deli, the hairdressers and that nice gents clothes shop.

Phase 3 will be the construction of an urban combat training arena in the FBI style. We intend to make it more realistic by having a mock up of a kebab shop and some pensioners to work round.

We recognise that we will need to protect our assets from the Americans, so we also intend to have some nice swings and a slide as a disguise. Plans for a sand pit have been shelved as they may confuse it with somewhere in the Middle East and send in the drones to check us out, and we don't want our conscripts to get cat crap on their new Nike combat uniforms.

A consultation process is under way with the local residents, whom we have assured that, we won't park in the road.

The DPC have responded to our plans by attempting to cure the flooding problem with huge sheets of blotting paper.

The DPC Yesterday

A Little bit of Politics

Before we at the DPPF pull up our drawbridges. We have decided to give local politicians a say.

Today, opportunity knocks for Mark (Huey) Green of the MPC, who is standing for the VRBC

1. Who are you and what are you standing for in the local elections?.

I'm Mark Green, I live in Moulton, and I'm one of those Sad People who like meetings and politics. I have been described during this campaign as looking like Ernie Wise (I can't see it myself - apart from the legs).
What am I standing for - I've got no chairs!

Actually I'm standing because I think I can do a better job than the current councillors of representing the people of Davenham (and Moulton) on the Borough Council. I'm also a life-long member of the Labour Party, and believe that the party is pretty much a force for good.

2. Do you have enough money to buy out Mr Lee and convert Davenham chippy to a kebab shop?

No - do you?

3. On your first day on the new council, you find 20 tons of weapons grade plutonium in an outgoing DPC members desk drawer. Do you

a. Sell it to the Iranians and buy out Mr Lee

b. Build a bomb and blow up Kingsmill

c. Ring the army and have it removed.

Unfortunately if I win it will be Vale Royal Borough Council and not DPC, so I won't know what's in their desk!

4. How much do you think it would be reasonable to charge for parking on the proposed Oddies multistory?

I do not think the proposed Multi-storey will ever go ahead, or indeed should ever go ahead; However, if it does then to maximise revenue it should be at least 10 storeys tall. The top 5 storeys should be free as I believe there should be no barriers to using the amenities of Davenham, but the top 5 storeys should only be accessed by stairs. as you get closer to the ground floor, the price should increase with parking at the ground level being at a premium price. Cars parked at the bottom could then be shown on a large plasma screen through CCTV showing other residents that they can afford to park on ground level.

5. Do you think the current DPC are any good?.

It's not the institution that is bad or good when you talk about a PC, As it's so small it's the individual Parish Councillors who define whether a Parish Council is "any good". I refer you to the answer to Q1. I'm standing because I believe residents can be better represented. Look at my leaflets for some more detail.

6. Will you be able to support our proposed fortification of the village with a grant? Or, do you know anyone that we can 'tap up' in planning? We could stretch to say £20.

If elected to the Council I will be happy to discuss with you your planing application, as I would any resident. Indeed I plan to hold regular surgeries so residents can discuss things with me. As I'm not yet a Borough Councillor I don't know anyone in planning at all.

7. The DPPF Mum reckons that Davenham is a beautiful village, apart from Bargain Booze. She still gets her tabs and ale from there, but wants to know if you've got the guts to take on a multimillion pound booze cartel and ask them a) to provide a bin for their customers and b) litter pick daily.

If the customers of any business are responsible for generating litter, then the business should be taking active steps to address this. The Borough Council should be ensuring that businesses are aware of this, and if I am a Councillor I will get the Council to do their part, and discuss with the business directly what they are doing to improve the situation.

8. Definition of Community, is it -

a) People sitting in church halls playing bingo and talking about the war?

b) Having organisations like the Cubs and Brownies to keep our children from getting drunk and smashing things up.

c) Having function rooms in pubs.

d) A tighter and more cohesive social entity within the context of the larger society, where family and kinship are at the heart of peoples value systems, and where other shared characteristics, such as place or belief, could also contribute to the essence of the community.

All of the above

Quick fire round.

Davenham or Kingsmead?

Davenham.

Daily Mail or Daily Mirror?

Daily Mirror.

Beer or wine?

Depends, but as I'm sitting here now Beer.

Eastenders or Corry?

Eastenders if I must, but actually Shameless.

Question time or question of sport?

Should be Question Time, but actually Question of Sport.

Spicy chicken or donner?

Depends on answer to Beer or wine.

Ketchup, chili or sweetcorn relish?

Chili and Sweetcorn, but not Ketchup.

Butchers style or Laburnum field?

Tough, but probably Butchers Stile.

Blackpool or the Bahamas?

Blackpool, I burn in the sun.

John Maynard Keynes or Karl Heinrich Marx?

Bit of both, but mostly Martin Luther King.

Moss Bros. or TK Max?

Moss Bros.

Clarkes Commando's or Dr Martins?.

Dr Martins.

Rally jacket or snorkel parker?

Snorkel parker.