Cooking Equipment That Can Be Used As Weapons - The Turkey Cannon

We reckon that a Turkey traveling somewhere between the speed of sound and warp factor 1 would make a formidable secret weapon. Using our trusted 'line of chavs' weapons testing theory, we have managed to calculate that for the given velocities an 8 pound balistic butterball should take out between 72 and 26,141 sequential chavs and possibly penetrate the most heavily modified Saxo. Indeed, it could be argued that, by developing an advanced range of stuffings, the humble fowl could be used to deliver anything from sage and onion to a full nuclear payload.

Hands up to those pesky yanks for developing the Turkey Cannon.

A Turkey Cannon yesterday

The ruse is that the tube is filled with booze and inserted up the birds Gary Glitter. When cooked in the oven, or on the BBQ, the liquid serves to keep the birds inner sanctum moist.

We reckon that if the tube is filled with 2:1 stoichiometric mixture of hydrogen and oxygen and then heated, the resulting explosion should propell the poultry at a respectable velocity.

We may even invite the UN weapons inspectors round in the summer and they can watch while we stuff our booze filled probe into our bird and give it a good roasting in the garden.

We shall be trying to work out what $18.99c is in real money in the morning. Oh, and where we can get some hydrogen from.

Money, Money, Money - Must Be Funny.

As ABBA once said -

Now we're old and grey fernando
And since many years I havent seen a rifle in your hand
Can you hear the drums fernando?
Do you still recall the frightful night we crossed the rio grande?
I can see it in your eyes
How proud you were to fight for freedom in this land.

Brought a tear to our eye when we heard that on Wogan this morning. And it got us thinking about the war to free Davenham. Cash reserves are at an all time low and the troops are demoralised. We have had a chat with the Official Mrs and looked down the back of all the seats. We found 62p, two hair clips, 4 toe nails, a biro, and a crisp. The Official Mrs didn't talk back and is holding on to her purse tighter than a tramp clinging to the last can of Special Brew in the world.

The whole situation is seriously jeopardising the planned spring offensive to free Davenham once and for all and rid ourselves of the evil scurge that is Kingsmead and the DPC.

We may need to resort to desparate means to secure the funding we need. For now we are going to concentrate on peaceful methods and intend to start with an appeal to a very kind offer in the Northwich Guardian. They are offering cash to worthy causes such as ours and have gone to great lengths to describe us in the criteria they set down. If anyone out there cares, please add your weight to our appeal. They cannot ignore us forever!!

FREEDOM FOR DAVENHAM - CLICKERTY CLICK FOR CASH

United we stand.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Whilst out on manouvers over the weekend, we were accidentally kidnapped by aliens and forced to take part in cruel experiments that lasted into the small hours of Sunday morning. We are convinced that we were given a 'mind wipe' resulting in total memory loss, a lack of co-ordination and a really bad head ache. The theiving alien scum also nicked the official mobile phone and all our cash. We were deposited outside the front door of DPPF HQ in a state of severe dehydation, malnurishment and FDKD (front door key deficiency).

Needless to say, we are now in an advanced state of severe trouble. Despite producing evidence of the existence of alien kidnappers and appologising for their actions, we have triggered another bout of radio silence from the Official Mrs. Worse still, we have also triggered rationing of WWII proportions. We have been informed that we will not be enjoying any of this for some time -

Any of this is completely out of the question-

It's probably the last time we will be enjoying these for a considerable length of time -

We shall therefore be concentrating on plans for the spring offensive and developing a strategy to ensure a timely return to full rations.

We reckon some flowers from the garage and a Robbie Williams CD should do the trick.