Alert Level - RED AND FLASHING - Invasion immanent

The KRA are planning to invade Davenham and occupy one of our secret training facilities. Find out what they are up to and the DPPF official response by clicking here.

The DPPF have mounted hourly patrols in order to protect vital village facilities. We will also be popping into the pub regularly to gather intelligence. We are planning a robust counter invasion possibly on Wednesday when we will need to stock up on semi skimmed and jaffa cakes. We urge the people of Davenham to remain calm until we have contained the threat and reduced the state of alert to amber (non flashing) or green (flashing). Anyone going to Kingsmead for a kebab are advised to telephone an order through to the Caspian on Castle, free deliveries on orders over a tenner and enough donner meat to keep Vanessa Feltz on the bog for a month.

Fatty Feltz at the Caspian yesterday

Caspain Kebab House 01606 783303 - Official Kebab House to the DPPF

Training - Aircraft Recocnition

Having been buzzed twice by American drones since we had a few beers on Saturday, we have decided to train the nippers in aircraft recognition. It looks like some people have forgotten the first rule of the DPPF and have been blabbing to the yanks. USA special forces have been in our bin again and have planted extra booze bottles and specialist magazines. We are convinced that they are trying to divide and conquer the DPPF.

The people of Davenham have agreed to help in defending our sovereign territory and have agreed to keep an eye out. We are looking to appoint an official DPPF spotter. First prize to whoever recognises the following overhead hazards, is an official appointment and a medal.









Answers one to five in the comments please.

Nobby, you'd be best doing this on you own.

Strategic Defence Review #3

We have been forced to review our proposed defence network of drawbridges and the moat. Interest rates have been spiralling out of control and the DPPF's efforts to obtain a mortgage on them have proved 'frustrating'.

The official DPPF think tank have been up all night with a pencil, some paper and the Star Trek back catalogue. Captain Kirk's and even Chief Science Officer Spock's efforts were often thwarted by the appearance of alien 'force fields'. The Official DPPF's own Science Officer (The Official DPPF Middle Nipper), was a sceptic until this was discovered. The Israeli's have developed something of interest -



We intend to procure enough of these gadgets to form a defensive shroud around the village. If they can stop a missile at twice the speed of sound, they shouldn't have a problem stopping a Kingsmedian chav walking up London Road at 3mph, or a Nova/Saxo doing 80mph. We just need to check if the speed bumps interfere.

Our trade embargo with the Israeli's prevents us from buying directly, so we will be checking stock at Argos online in the morning.

DPPF - War Cabinet - Meeting Minutes #2

Those Present

Foxy, The Official DPPF cat.

Apologies

The Official DPPF Mrs (Bingo), The Offical DPPF Nipper (in bed), The Official DPPF Teenager (sulking in bedroom), The Official DPPF Middle Nipper (somewhere in outer space, courtesy of XBox 360).

Item 1 - Refreshments

The official DPPF Mrs has recognised the need for quality refreshments during times of war and has sanctioned 4x500ml of Stella Artois for the meeting. We have requisitioned a bag of Walkers cheese and onion from strategic reserves, along with a strawberry chuppachup.

Item 2 - The Official DPPF Poll

Number of votes - 10, Number in favour of continuing the war - 10. We have employed a top London based firm of statisticians to analyse the poll and they concluded that-

• 100% of people that expressed a preference wanted the war to continue.
• Extrapolating the result and comparing to the population of the village,they concluded that between 96.2% and 105.3% of people in the village also support the war.
• Having analysed voter profiles, they were able to conclude that everyone in Davenham thinks that the DPC, Kingsmeadians, Chavs and this years cast of Big Brother are a bunch of tossers.
  

Item 3 - UN Resolution 633694

Following our overwhelming mandate. We will be writing to the UN and suggesting that they come over here and say it to our faces, they can bring their mates as well. We are not scared of anyone in blue berets (Hmmm Betty), from Switzerland. However, we are preparing hiding places in case they send some Ghurka's.

Item 4 - Financial Report

Monies snatched from kids outside Bargain Booze has bolstered reserves to a respectable £254.98p. We are currently looking at ways of investing this in military hardware. On our shopping list are -

• A second hand B52, Vulcan bomber or a jump jet.
  
• Doppler radar.
• Hats.
• A tank (like that bloke from Moulton).
• A nuclear deterrent.
  
• Invisibility suits.
• Laser beams.
  

Item 5 - Training

Urine levels on Laburnum field have reduced significantly and construction of the DPPF assault course and Training With Advanced Techniques (T.W.A.T.) centre have recently reached their first milestone. We have constructed a scale model of Monte Casino from beer cans, bottles, used condoms and syringes. The DPPF Moutain and Urban Fighting Force (M.U.F.F.) will begin training at the weekend (weather permitting).

Item 6 - War Progress

Despite the DPPF's efforts to engage in dialogue with the DPC, VRBC, KLC, KFC and Teh Grauniad. None have chosen to respond. We have decided that once we have bought our first bomber, we will drop leaflets. People wishing to advertise kebab shops and takeaways should contact us at the usual address.

We have been in contact with a team of veteran Vietnamese tunnel builders. Plans are being drawn up to link local kebab shops and pubs with a series of tunnels and underground bunkers. We Have plans to furnish the bunkers with Sky TV and fridges. We are also looking into the possibility of a Spearmint Rhino type bunker with exclusive membership for freedom fighters.

AOB

The Official DPPF Mrs (back in from the bingo) would like it to be recorded that the tunnel and bunker system will closely monitored and may only be used for military purposes.

The Official DPPF Mrs has also requested a stock take of strategic rations and would like to know how the sanctioned 4 cans has resulted in 6 empties.

£3.80p to be diverted from the war chest for for spot cream for the Official DPPF Teenager.

We're Alright NOOOOWWWWWOOOOOOO!

The DPPF have (with sadness) learned of the resignation of one of the DPC's great characters. Councillor 'Wolfy' Coker has resigned due to the pressures of modern day political mediocrity and the endless fighting of worthless causes.

'Wolfy' Yesterday.

After discussions with the Official DPPF Mrs over a nice Malted Milk and a cup of PG this evening, we have decided to mark the occasion by touching up a damp patch in the hallway.

While we look for a brush and some masking tape, here are the great man's highlights.

• Err...
  
• Umm...
  
• Arh...
  

That appears to be that. See you Wolfy.

UN Resolution 633694

The UN have written to us expressing concern at the number of Kingsmedian refugees massing on the Kingsmead side of A556, seeking sanctuary within our borders.

The A556 yesterday

They have passed a mandate to introduce sanctions on the people of Davenham. The sanctions include -

• Banning the sale of aircraft.
• Restricting beer deliveries to the Oddies and the Bull.
• Introducing ID cards for use at Kngsmead shops, effectively cutting off kebab supplies to the village, or forcing us to go to the badlands for a late night snack.
• Placing Bargain Booze under martial law.
• Restrictions on medical supplies to the chemists, including Paracetamol, Rennies and E45.

The DPPF are a democratic organisation and have decided to hold a referendum. Please take the opportunity to vote. We will be delivering our results to the UN in a weeks time.